Shopping
Shopping is an event, especially on Christmas or on the way to a party that you should have bought something earlier. Anyway, shopping. It seems very simple, really. Going to a store to get something you need or want in exchange for money. Yup, it looks simple on paper, but nothing could be more difficult.
Men shop very different than Women. Men contemplate their purchases for hours, replaying the moment of purchase over and over in their heads. Grabbing the PS3, the Best Buy employees see him tear up a bit and start to clap and cheer, as he makes the long walk to the register lines. A few employees give him a high five as he passes them, and one slyly hand him a tissue to dry his eyes. Then, the magical moment happens as he resides in the #1 spot in line, and he hears those magical words, "I can help you right over here, sir". It is almost like approaching the President, Angelina Jolie, or both. The man leaves changed forever, or at least until the credit card bill arrives.
Men are hunters. They know precisely what they are after. They find it, purchase it, and display it proudly for others to admire. Women are much different.
Women do consider purchases prior to making them. They talk to their friends about them, "I'm going to buy that cute leather jacket with the faux fur," looking around to see the nods of approval.
However, when they enter said store, something strange happens - all the preparation gets wiped from their brains like in Men in Black. They forget what they wanted, and become aimless wanderers in a sea of options. Maybe its the air curtains in the door, or maybe the mechanism that automatically opens the door. Not sure really.
I've seen women, brilliant women, that know so much about so many things become so - unsure of anything. As a matter of fact, sometimes they become zombie-like. A man can walk up and say, "How's it going? The baby will be in High School if you you don't buy something pretty quick," the response is a very vague, "Uh Huh". That response is because the woman is caught in some weird universe know as Shopperia Major. It's a place where their mind is shown so many options, that it blanks out and go from on side of the area to another looking for, something.
Sure, a man can say, "That's a great blouse honey." "Really? You like it?" "Yes, I really do," and then it goes back on the rack, and the cute zombie you came with wanders off to not choose something else for another 20 minutes.
In a women's clothing section, there is a chair. That is - the man's chair. It is a very pitiful sight, because the man who sits there has ran through the thousands of possible ways to pass the time, while the zombie wanders in the clothes section. He has already;
1. Played all the preview video games, and beat all the high scores, and trash talked the kids that played before him, "Yeah, you're not the Dragon King now, are you? Uh Uh. I am. That's right.",
2. Acted like an employee of the store and misdirected people who ask for directions,
3. Found the hack code to use the "info" phones and make announcements over the store intercom, "Today only, there is a 10 for 1 purse sale," "Today is massage your man for an hour straight day. Oprah said so," and "If we hear your kids crying, you will pay double for everything,"
4. Turned up all the radios loud to different stations, then dances around crazily,
5. Go into all the bathroom stalls in the men's room, lock the stall doors, and crawl out underneath them. Note: Some men will have a hard time doing this (The getting back out underneath part),
6. Tell people the endings of the books they pick up to buy, then duck when they throw them,
7. Find and put on a scary mask and jump up behind the kid photographer taking a picture, making the kid's cry,
8. Go to the food counter, and take an inordinate amount of time choosing what to buy, then ask very specific questions, "When was the last time you cleaned the grill? With what may I ask? What was the expiration date on that spray? Is that blue slurpee drink from the waters of the Avatar planet? Really? What if this is all a simulation, and that drink is real? Hmm?"
I could keep going, but some guys just give up and go to "the chair," and hunker down for a long day. He could go to sleep, but then kids would write on his face with mascara, and that would be bad.
I had heard that a group of men wanted to introduce a Bill stating that as long as a man had to wait for a woman to "shop," they could go into the electronics section and watch anything on the wide screen TV. Yes, I mean anything. The Bill never made it past the first vote.
In conclusion, Women and Men both do handle the act of shopping differently. I have just been handed a reminder that men wander in the tool section for hours. I need to investigate if this is because their wives are wandering around in the clothing section. Let me get back to you on that. ;)
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