Friday, October 8, 2010

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

They're Just Not That Into You

It's happened to all of us. We meet someone. Maybe at a party, Church dance, in a Comic Con line, in front of the Self Help section at a Barnes and Noble. Sparks fly, and you get or give out your number.

Women have interesting ways of letting a guy "figure out" that you're not really interested in talking to him ever again, but giving you the number; to a phone that hasn't worked for two years, to her Mom's old pager (Google it kids. Pager.), or better yet her brother's cell phone.

Yes, I didn't get "the hint" when I was young, single and ready to mingle. The signs of doom were all over it; She worked at a Blockbuster Video (That means she's paid to be nice to you, and therefore you can't construe that as she "likes you"), She gave me her pager number, It wasn't working, and in one of the two "not so smart" decisions in my life, I went back to the store to tell her that her pager wasn't working. She feigned shock and told me she forgot to pay the bill. It was at that moment, the smarter Jeff kicked the dumber Jeff in the nads. I learned alot that day. I learned to only hit on clerks at Hollywood Video, not Blockbuster Video.

Women, you give guys far too much credit. You think men possess the capability of reading the multiple nuances you place in words and actions. Please stop doing that.

Ladies you must look that geek in the eye, and say, "Listen, I'm very flattered, but it will never work out. I'm a woman. I'm not a Jawa, Vulcan, Dwarf, Elf, or whatever you're into. You can think about me from time to time, if it's not creepy.

Do not, and I repeat, Do not try and friend me on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Plurk, Bebo, Xanga, Hi5, Foursquare or anything other Social Networking site.

Better yet, just forget about me. Here, pretend this pen is that silver flashy thing in Men in Black.

There, I flashed it.

So go on with your life now and find a way to have more self confidence and less body fat. Oh, and another thing, if you ever stalk me, slash my tires, hack my email account, or anything else - I want you know that I have friends that work for all 3 Credit bureaus, and we can make your next Apple gadget fantasy a bad credit nightmare. Okay, Obi John KaNoobie? Have a nice night. May the Force Be With You, Live Long and Prosper, and Whatever they said in Avatar. Next in line, please."

Not that I have *ever* fell in like with a gal at Blockbuster that gave me the phone number to a pager that had the number disconnected, nope, and then I went back to tell her the number was disconnected to which she replied in shock "really? Oh my gosh I must have forgotten to pay the bill," nope I never did that. Nope, not ever. Sigh.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010