Friday, March 12, 2010

Safety Dance, Drop Your Pants #fb

I am the king of massacring lyrics. I don't hear them right, and then I put funny ones in the place  of the right ones. Here is an recording of my wife (Colleen and I talking about how the lyric massacring began, and how we re-wrote Safety Dance

Link to audio here:

Safety Dance re-written by Jeff and Colleen Roney

Drop your pants if you want to
Expose your bare behind
'Cause your friends got pants and if they don't then
They'll be no friends of mine
I say, hide your pants where you want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And drop your pants


How do you hear this song now? Do you have other songs you rewrite lyrics too?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Difference between Men and Women #15 - Shopping #fb



Shopping is an event, especially on Christmas or on the way to a party that you should have bought something earlier. Anyway, shopping. It seems very simple, really. Going to a store to get something you need or want in exchange for money. Yup, it looks simple on paper, but nothing could be more difficult.

Men shop very different than Women. Men contemplate their purchases for hours, replaying the moment of purchase over and over in their heads. Grabbing the PS3, the Best Buy employees see him tear up a bit and start to clap and cheer, as he makes the long walk to the register lines. A few employees give him a high five as he passes them, and one slyly hand him a tissue to dry his eyes. Then, the magical moment happens as he resides in the #1 spot in line, and he hears those magical words, "I can help you right over here, sir". It is almost like approaching the President, Angelina Jolie, or both. The man leaves changed forever, or at least until the credit card bill arrives.

Men are hunters. They know precisely what they are after. They find it, purchase it, and display it proudly for others to admire. Women are much different.

Women do consider purchases prior to making them. They talk to their friends about them, "I'm going to buy that cute leather jacket with the faux fur," looking around to see the nods of approval.

However, when they enter said store, something strange happens - all the preparation gets wiped from their brains like in Men in Black. They forget what they wanted, and become aimless wanderers in a sea of options. Maybe its the air curtains in the door, or maybe the mechanism that automatically opens the door. Not sure really.

I've seen women, brilliant women, that know so much about so many things become so - unsure of anything. As a matter of fact, sometimes they become zombie-like. A man can walk up and say, "How's it going? The baby will be in High School if you you don't buy something pretty quick," the response is a very vague, "Uh Huh". That response is because the woman is caught in some weird universe know as Shopperia Major. It's a place where their mind is shown so many options, that it blanks out and go from on side of the area to another looking for, something.

Sure, a man can say, "That's a great blouse honey." "Really? You like it?" "Yes, I really do," and then it goes back on the rack, and the cute zombie you came with wanders off to not choose something else for another 20 minutes.

In a women's clothing section, there is a chair. That is - the man's chair. It is a very pitiful sight, because the man who sits there has ran through the thousands of possible ways to pass the time, while the zombie wanders in the clothes section. He has already;

1. Played all the preview video games, and beat all the high scores, and trash talked the kids that played before him, "Yeah, you're not the Dragon King now, are you? Uh Uh. I am. That's right.",

2. Acted like an employee of the store and misdirected people who ask for directions,

3. Found the hack code to use the "info" phones and make announcements over the store intercom, "Today only, there is a 10 for 1 purse sale," "Today is massage your man for an hour straight day. Oprah said so," and "If we hear your kids crying, you will pay double for everything,"

4. Turned up all the radios loud to different stations, then dances around crazily,

5. Go into all the bathroom stalls in the men's room, lock the stall doors, and crawl out underneath them. Note: Some men will have a hard time doing this (The getting back out underneath part),

6. Tell people the endings of the books they pick up to buy, then duck when they throw them,

7. Find and put on a scary mask and jump up behind the kid photographer taking a picture, making the kid's cry,

8. Go to the food counter, and take an inordinate amount of time choosing what to buy, then ask very specific questions, "When was the last time you cleaned the grill? With what may I ask? What was the expiration date on that spray? Is that blue slurpee drink from the waters of the Avatar planet? Really? What if this is all a simulation, and that drink is real? Hmm?"

I could keep going, but some guys just give up and go to "the chair," and hunker down for a long day. He could go to sleep, but then kids would write on his face with mascara, and that would be bad.

I had heard that a group of men wanted to introduce a Bill stating that as long as a man had to wait for a woman to "shop," they could go into the electronics section and watch anything on the wide screen TV. Yes, I mean anything. The Bill never made it past the first vote.

In conclusion, Women and Men both do handle the act of shopping differently. I have just been handed a reminder that men wander in the tool section for hours. I need to investigate if this is because their wives are wandering around in the clothing section. Let me get back to you on that. ;)

Monday, March 8, 2010

A Little Distraction - Teach Someone to do Something #fb

I'm convinced that we could get most things done, if we all taught each other what each other knows. I have a good friend who's a plumber, and he showed me how to snake out a drain. My wife showed me how to make her so awesome chili. We can learn so much from other people, but also we can teach other people so much, too.

First, we need realize we have something to offer to other people. What do you know how to do that others don't? Speak a different language? Build a website? Use Twitter in a cool, new way? Mix together a safe and natural household cleaner? Something else that someone could use?  

Note: Please make it legal and family friendly, okay?

I'm a software trainer/in site support by day, and I've showed lots of new trainers my ways to help users understand tough concepts by equating it to word pictures, drawings, etc. I know how to do it, because it comes naturally, but others don't.

Not everyone is like you. They haven't lived or learned like you. You are unique, and you know how do things no one else does, so pass things along. Some people believe that the more you know and keep to yourself, the more you are valued, but it's just the opposite - the more you share, teach and pass along, the more valued you are.

So, take some time this week to teach someone something. Whether its your children, family members, friends, co-workers, etc. Give it a shot. Remember, people learn by different ways; Listening to you, Watching you do it, and by doing it themselves while you watch them. Leave some comments on how it went for you.

Have a great week. Another little distraction coming next Monday. Tell a friend. :)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Spotlight - The Obnoxious SAHM, Donna

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Donna (The Obnoxious SAHM):

 One day, not too long ago I was surfing around looking for great blogs, and l saw "Obnoxious SAHM" in a Twitter search. I read the first post in her blog about how important it is for a church to have enough toilet paper in the bathrooms. I chuckled, and followed. She has continued to post funny, insightful and honest posts about kids, SAHM-ness and life in general. Her blog:

The Obnoxious SAHM, champion of avoiding housework

was my first look into the huge Mommy Blogging community (and what an awesome place it is), and what a great way to start. She is a great lady, with great wit, drive and insight that makes you come back to see what's going on in her world.

Donna rocks, and truth be told, she's really not that Obnoxious.

I want to take a second to thank Donna for giving me great tips and advice as I got settled into this new platform for my writing. I would have never made it this far without her help, friendship and patience. :two thumbs way up: Ok, mushy fest over.

Donna on Twitter: