Friday, July 2, 2010

Dumb Guy Reviews Moulin Rouge!

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

First off, I've never taken drugs, but this movie made me feel like I did. All the colors and weird people, anyway here goes.

So, the guy that played young Obi Wan was a writer, and he live in a full scale Miniature Golf course. 


So, there was this club that had Tom Cruise's Ex lowered in a swing from the ceiling (like Teddi Berra from Country Bear Jamboree) of the dance club.

Then there was this crazy party in the apartment above where Young Obi Wan guy was living and some weirdos fell in through his roof. Now, I don't know what kind of building code a semi-miniature golf course windmill thingy dance club area has, but if I was the young Obi Wan guy, I would have moved somewhere else. The Death Star was made of metal. Wait, there is the exhaust ports that any passing fighter can blow up. I guess he should stay in the apartment with a hole in the roof, and take his chances.

Then the weird people that fell in through his roof got him to write a play with him. The Young Obi Wan guy is very forgiving about the roof cave in. That's cool, I guess. Then they arranged a hook up between Young Obi Wan and Tom Cruise's Ex. She lived in an elephant. Not a real one. Come on, people. That's gross.

So, Young Obi Wan went up to ya know, and then he blows it and says he wants to read her poetry. Dude, really. A woman that looks like this, in an elephant apartment, with beds everywhere, and you want to read her poetry. Really?

I would have used Jedi mind tricks, and... Well anyways.

Then this guy with bad teeth came in. Young Obi Wan hid, and then Bad Teeth guy wanted to get busy with Tom Cruise's Ex, then the roof cave in guys came in, too. Now, I know what you're thinking. There was no "getting busy" going on, but they did a musical play. I know. Weird, huh.

There was so much singing in this movie. It was like a musical, or something. The bad stuff was that they sang other people's songs. I hope Bono and Sting don't find out, or someone will get sued. The Postman will pull on the elephant's trunk to let Tom Cruise's Ex know she had a summons. Hey, maybe the Postman... Nevermind.

So, Young Obi Wan and Tom Cruise's Ex fall in love, between singing, but Bad Teeth Guy doesn't want a Jedi to be her booty call, and threatens to breath on him or something.

Oh yeah, they drank this green stuff. It looked like Limeade from Sonic. I guess the first Sonic was built behind the windmill thingy.

So, there was a big dancing scene, and Tom Cruise's Ex started to get really sick. They said she had "consumption," and I think she got sick from consuming those Limeade drinks.

I don't want to give away the ending, but maybe next time, Young Obi Wan might want to use the Force to figure out a better place to live with a strong roof, and fall in love with a different Teddi Berra woman that doesn't have a Bad Teeth Guy stalking her. Just sayin'

Reviewer: Bert

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Pedicures have been a secret for women for a long time, well it was time for me to experience one for myself. My wife gave the okay, and drove me to the special location.

I walked in, and it looked like a brothel for the non-naughty places of your body.

Ladies rubbing on other ladies. Trimming, soaking, scraping, painting, buffing, drying - all done by people wearing surgical masks and surgical gloves on. It was like a David Lynch hospital or something.

Wow. I asked my wife if we were in the right place, and she said yes. I rubbed my hands together, and I said "Lead the way!".

I had to daintily (and with my body, that ain't easy) hop onto a chair perched over the foot soaking tub. I did, and that brought cheers and an award from the customers in the shop.

The lady with the surgical mask put my feet in the soaking tub (Note: I took of my shoes and socks, first, btw), and then she turned on the massaging chair. The rollers were great, but then the shaking started. I didn't like the shaking. I wore a striped shirt, and my stomach was shaking so much, I was making the customers dizzy. They took back the award.

So, the lady in the surgical mask took one foot out, and started trimming, cutting and scraping my foot. Normally, I'm pretty ticklish on my feet, but with a woman wearing a surgical mask holding sharp surgical devices an inch or two from my feet. I learned to not be ticklish, and it wasn't easy.

Then, something really weird happened. She put my foot in a bag filled with hot wax. The minute my foot hit the wax, I woke up from the bliss of the massage. Did I scream like a girl? Not til I got in the car after we left. It was hot, but I didn't want to let the other people in the shop know. The lady asked, "Too hot?" I answered like Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels after Michael Caine hit his legs with the lily stalks, "No".

She set a timer, and started massage my feet, legs and other non-naughty parts. OMG. I tried to reach around with my other foot and add more time to the timer, but I couldn't. It was Heaven, if Heaven wore a surgical mask.

Well, the pedicure came to an end. The lady said she "buffed" my toenails, and didn't put any clear nail polish on it (I think she lied, though). So, my wife and I stumbled out like half asleep zombies and the ladies still in the chairs Tweeted, "So, this big guy came came in for a pedicure today..."

Monday, June 28, 2010

My Miley Cyrus Blunder

So, my wife and I used the TweetMic iphone app to record a bit of audio (Some call it a podcast) in the car, and we talk about Miley Cyrus and my big mouth gets me into trouble again. It is classic Jeff, and I hope you enjoy it. Another proof that Men are... Well, you know.

Click here to listen: