Friday, July 2, 2010

Dumb Guy Reviews Moulin Rouge!

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

First off, I've never taken drugs, but this movie made me feel like I did. All the colors and weird people, anyway here goes.

So, the guy that played young Obi Wan was a writer, and he live in a full scale Miniature Golf course. 


So, there was this club that had Tom Cruise's Ex lowered in a swing from the ceiling (like Teddi Berra from Country Bear Jamboree) of the dance club.

Then there was this crazy party in the apartment above where Young Obi Wan guy was living and some weirdos fell in through his roof. Now, I don't know what kind of building code a semi-miniature golf course windmill thingy dance club area has, but if I was the young Obi Wan guy, I would have moved somewhere else. The Death Star was made of metal. Wait, there is the exhaust ports that any passing fighter can blow up. I guess he should stay in the apartment with a hole in the roof, and take his chances.

Then the weird people that fell in through his roof got him to write a play with him. The Young Obi Wan guy is very forgiving about the roof cave in. That's cool, I guess. Then they arranged a hook up between Young Obi Wan and Tom Cruise's Ex. She lived in an elephant. Not a real one. Come on, people. That's gross.

So, Young Obi Wan went up to ya know, and then he blows it and says he wants to read her poetry. Dude, really. A woman that looks like this, in an elephant apartment, with beds everywhere, and you want to read her poetry. Really?

I would have used Jedi mind tricks, and... Well anyways.

Then this guy with bad teeth came in. Young Obi Wan hid, and then Bad Teeth guy wanted to get busy with Tom Cruise's Ex, then the roof cave in guys came in, too. Now, I know what you're thinking. There was no "getting busy" going on, but they did a musical play. I know. Weird, huh.

There was so much singing in this movie. It was like a musical, or something. The bad stuff was that they sang other people's songs. I hope Bono and Sting don't find out, or someone will get sued. The Postman will pull on the elephant's trunk to let Tom Cruise's Ex know she had a summons. Hey, maybe the Postman... Nevermind.

So, Young Obi Wan and Tom Cruise's Ex fall in love, between singing, but Bad Teeth Guy doesn't want a Jedi to be her booty call, and threatens to breath on him or something.

Oh yeah, they drank this green stuff. It looked like Limeade from Sonic. I guess the first Sonic was built behind the windmill thingy.

So, there was a big dancing scene, and Tom Cruise's Ex started to get really sick. They said she had "consumption," and I think she got sick from consuming those Limeade drinks.

I don't want to give away the ending, but maybe next time, Young Obi Wan might want to use the Force to figure out a better place to live with a strong roof, and fall in love with a different Teddi Berra woman that doesn't have a Bad Teeth Guy stalking her. Just sayin'

Reviewer: Bert


Cruella Collett said...

Is it weird that I now want to live in an elephant? (though not a real one, you're right - that would be gross)

I think this may have been the best review of this movie that I have ever seen. I generally thought it was overrated, but seeing this makes me wonder if it actually was underrated. Hm...

Anonymous said...

I didn't care much for the movie either. Didn't know it was considered a chick flick though.

Men Are Dumb. I Are One. said...

Cruella: If you are going to live in a not real elephant, make sure it isn't Dumbo. :)

Amanda: I called Bert and told him that Moulin Rouge! may not have been an official "chick flick," and he may have reviewed it for nothing. He hung on me. Poor Bert.

Pat Tillett said...

Maybe the trick was to take drugs before watching it....

Marlene said...

I didn't get the movie. Your review makes far more sense. (And I wonder if Pat Tillett has something there....of course, he's into movies like "The Big Lebowski"...which I will admit, was pretty darned good!)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Bert, I want to see the movie you watched!

Cheeseboy said...

Found you through Alex Cavenaugh. Our blogs were featured together.

Miniature golf made me laugh. Well, the whole post did.

However, I may be the only guy that loved this movie. I thought it was awesome. I am not metro at all, but I guess I was in during this one.

Hilarious blog!

Mayowa said...

"Not a real elephant, that would be gross."


Great post.

Kelley said...

You may decide to remove yourself as a follower of my blog when I tell you that I have the soundtrack to that movie! Ha! There were some very odd songs, no doubt, but...there was something about some of them I liked. I thought Nicole Kidman could sing pretty well for being Nicole Kidman!

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

Following you back on your super awesome blog!