Pedicures

Pedicures have been a secret for women for a long time, well it was time for me to experience one for myself. My wife gave the okay, and drove me to the special location.

I walked in, and it looked like a brothel for the non-naughty places of your body.

Ladies rubbing on other ladies. Trimming, soaking, scraping, painting, buffing, drying - all done by people wearing surgical masks and surgical gloves on. It was like a David Lynch hospital or something.

Wow. I asked my wife if we were in the right place, and she said yes. I rubbed my hands together, and I said "Lead the way!".

I had to daintily (and with my body, that ain't easy) hop onto a chair perched over the foot soaking tub. I did, and that brought cheers and an award from the customers in the shop.

The lady with the surgical mask put my feet in the soaking tub (Note: I took of my shoes and socks, first, btw), and then she turned on the massaging chair. The rollers were great, but then the shaking started. I didn't like the shaking. I wore a striped shirt, and my stomach was shaking so much, I was making the customers dizzy. They took back the award.

So, the lady in the surgical mask took one foot out, and started trimming, cutting and scraping my foot. Normally, I'm pretty ticklish on my feet, but with a woman wearing a surgical mask holding sharp surgical devices an inch or two from my feet. I learned to not be ticklish, and it wasn't easy.

Then, something really weird happened. She put my foot in a bag filled with hot wax. The minute my foot hit the wax, I woke up from the bliss of the massage. Did I scream like a girl? Not til I got in the car after we left. It was hot, but I didn't want to let the other people in the shop know. The lady asked, "Too hot?" I answered like Steve Martin in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels after Michael Caine hit his legs with the lily stalks, "No".

She set a timer, and started massage my feet, legs and other non-naughty parts. OMG. I tried to reach around with my other foot and add more time to the timer, but I couldn't. It was Heaven, if Heaven wore a surgical mask.

Well, the pedicure came to an end. The lady said she "buffed" my toenails, and didn't put any clear nail polish on it (I think she lied, though). So, my wife and I stumbled out like half asleep zombies and the ladies still in the chairs Tweeted, "So, this big guy came came in for a pedicure today..."