Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Mean Girls, Meaner Women?

So, my wife and I had a spirited discussion about this. Now, I've seen Mean Girls:

and I spent time around females. Females in big and small groups, and I would say that most women talk behind each other's backs, after they've been nice to their face.

Now, the one issue that came up was age. I was told that the older a lady gets, the less these mean words said by Mean Girls decreases.My un-scientific research says no, and then I see things like this:

Men do it, too, but I haven't seen a movie called Mean Guys, yet.

So, what do you say? Do women say one thing to a woman's face, and another behind their back? My question is why? Most women say that men don't understand them, and if that's true, then why do women fight against other women (who should relate and understand them)?

Here is the book mentioned in the new report (aff link):

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Change is coming - soon

Hi, I have done a number of dumb things in my life, and this may be one of the dumbest. I'm moving this blog.


My email address was compromised in the multi-site hack ( and others), and during that time my blogger blog was taken offline in the fray. As you can see it was restored, but I felt very uneasy with the who have control of my blog when something went wrong, and it wasn't me. I needed to change it, and here we go.

I have enjoyed Men are Dumb's original home here, because I found my blogging stride here, made great friends, and made people laugh. However, things must change.

The full website address:

It is not finished, and I will be moving over posts during the next few days. I will be leaving this site up and the posts here as well, however when the change takes place, the final message will point to the new site.

Thanks again for your support.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas 2010 from Men are Dumb!

This is the funniest version of the 12 Days of Christmas ever. The scenario is a kindly old lady sings this Christmas classic and gets drunker and inserts drink names and much more as the song goes on. Enjoy and share this post. Thanks.

Thanks for your reading, comments and support. You all rock! Seriously, we wish you the best Christmas ever.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Family Get Togethers

So, it's Christmas time. Part of most family traditions is to get a group of people connected by DNA or marriage that have made distinctive choices not spend time around each other (Some have moved states away) for an entire year or so, and gather them all in the same room for an entire day (or weekend) to 'celebrate' Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, and family, but sometimes the combining of the two can be - crazy.

Some thoughts on what I've "heard" about;

Family members who tell the same story over and over again,

Family members who railroad a discussion about one topic into a story that "you all can relate to," but they can't,

Kids who translate "Don't touch," into "Touch everything you can get your hands on,"

Kids who already know what they're going to get, because they have told, emailed and Facebook reminded the entire family over and over, so the "surprise," of opening presents now becomes checking off a checklist in their mind,

The unspoken, "Who farted?" game,

The doggie "presents" left on Christmas day,

The kitty regurgitated "presents" shown (in front of everyone) on Christmas day,

If you are single, and bring a significant other, the kids start to ask, "So, are you having sex? Mom says you must be. What's it like?"

I could go on, what have you experienced?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Fake Laugh

I'll be sitting at a restaurant, to see a movie or most anywhere (where there are women) and hear the most annoying, strange laughs, "Hee Hee Hee," "Haw Haw Haw," "Hoo Hoo Hoo - I Know! Hoo Hoo Hoo," "(Insert more fake laughs here)." Sometimes I hear those kinds of laughs from my family or friends, and I don't ever recall them ever laughing like that. Maybe the mall, restaurant, other outdoor place release Nitric Oxide in the air, or maybe it's the booze, or - I don't know what else.

I say we put people to a tickle test. When they least expect it, tickle them to see if they do an "outside, in front of their 'friends' laugh," during the tickle. If they do, cool. If not, fine them $20 bucks and make them promise to never do it again on a youtube video.

Guys do it, too. I've watched a Super Bowl game or two, but the Budweiser frogs, E Trade babies, Betty White in the Snickers commercial or whatever are funny, but not THAT funny.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Please Comment, Follow and Tell Your Friends

Remember, this video is free. If you paid for it, it would be better. ;)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Joe Biden can't count

We got change and a guy that can't count. Wow. I hope David Letterman shows these gaffes like W's, cause these are gold. Solid Gold.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Red Dead Redemption Review

Red Dead Redemption is probably the best videogame I've played in a long time. Sure, there's lots of horse riding, cattle herding and bronco busting, but it is awesome.

The story is fantastic, the visuals are phenomenal and they have the best  voice actors for any game ever. I thought John Marston was voice by Bill Paxton, but it was a newcomer, Rob Wiethoff.The rest are newcomers, but they are great!

There is a great add-on called Undead Nightmare which adds the zombie element, and isn't that what every game needs?

Now, if you are expecting a highly geeked out review, read the name of this blog again.

So, like I said, I loved the story of the very complex, John Marston.

He is introduced to the story nearly dead in a shootout at Fort Mercer but rescued by a feisty, cultured and cute farm gal, Bonnie McFarland.

Sure, I knew he was married but you can't deny the digital sparks flying off the screen when they were together. I kept waiting for a kiss - or something. Like I said, I've seen (Thanks to my wife) lots of romantic comedies, and I know the signs of a building romance - and there was one there.

Look, I have nothing against John's wife, Abigail Marston.

We all know she had a "troubled" past, and John married her to make an honest woman of her. However, I'm telling you, you play the game and tell me if there wasn't some kind of feelings between Bonnie McFarland and John Marston.

Remember how Bonnie drug her foot in the sand after she met Abigail for the first time? Play the game and see for yourself.

Oh, what if I was John Marston? I'm not, so we'll leave it at that.

Warning: There is some adult language, game violence, disturbing discussions and an adult 'romantic' (ahem) situation (but not with John and Bonnie) depicted, so this ain't for the kiddies.

Buy Red Dead Redemption today (aff link)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Engagement - For Guys

So, when a guys finds a woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he buys her a (very) expensive ring. So, what does a woman give the man she will spend the rest of her life with? Nothing. Zip. Nada.

Kinda not fair, is it? Nope.

Here's my idea.

We turn the tables on this "the Engagement Ring should be worth three paychecks" pricing idea, and introduce, "Bring a big screen TV to seal the deal" concept.

Oh yes, ladies. Expect a Hank's Big Screen Warehouse commercial directly after the ring store commercial that goes something like this, "Show your big love and devotion to the guy you say Yes, too with a big screen TV. We have row after row of LCD, plasma, and even 3d flat screen TVs to show you're guy you *really* mean it when you say yes. Nothing says, "I'll be your forever BFF with a big effen Big Screen for your man". Love is forever, and now love comes in HD at Hank's Big Screen warehouse!"

Since there are so many C's with an engagement ring, there are levels of commitment with the Big Screen TV;

Netflix account,
Game systems,
Sports TV packages,
Surround sound systems,

Bottom line ladies, the only reason he wants the big screen TV is to watch the wedding video over and over and over... Oh he won't say that, but he doesn't want to get all mushy on you. ;)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Lies Women Tell

Don't get mad, just listen for a second.

Women say, "I just want a nice guy," but that's not really true. If that were true, geeks everywhere would be smiling for reasons beside buying a certain comic book or action figure.

Women don't want 'a nice guy,' even though they say that. They want a bad boy. They want a guy that cannot be caught or tamed. Oh, normally women say, "I just want a nice guy," after getting messed around by a not so nice guy. Just sayin'

Women say, "I just want an honest guy," but that's not really all the way true. True, lying is bad, but not telling the whole story on the first date leaves things to talk about on the second date, and so on, etc. Women want honest guys, but with mystery, too. That's where the perplexing part comes in. If a woman learns everything about a guy, the guy becomes boring, and then she begins to look around at the brooding, mysterious bad boy. Just sayin'

Women answer the question, 'What's wrong?' with "Nothing," and that is the biggest lie of all. There is something wrong, and they want the guy to figure out exactly what it is. Guys begin to play a digital tape of their life backwards to see what they did or said that was wrong. They begin to think about all the dates they have to remember (First date, first kiss, anniversary, etc), but to no avail - the guy is stuck with nothing. SO, now the interrogation begins;

"Honey, what's wrong?"
"I told you, nothing's wrong."
"Something is wrong. What is it?"
"No, nothing's wrong. Can we go to dinner now?"
"Where do you want to go to eat?"
"Aha! There is something wrong, because you NEVER have a place in mind to eat!"

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Women love to say the word "Amazing," all the time. They even through in a pause in it, too. A-(pause)-mazing! They use it for clothes, a show they saw, hairstyle, food, pretty much anything. The only guy stuff that uses Amazing is...

The Amazing Race,
and Huell Howser (host of a California PBS show uses it constantly).

What do you think is amazing? This blog, perhaps? Why not tell a friend about visiting - (This blog).


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Telling a Story

I see this all the time. A couple sitting somewhere, and the wife tells the husband to tell a story. He starts, but never finishes. Amid the first section of the story, he hits a minor factoid that doesn't match the ladies' memory, and she pipes up and clarifies with 2 side stories about points that don't add anything to the story at all. She trudges on through the story she asked the guy to tell, and then he gets mad, and says, "I thought you wanted me to tell the story," "Well, go ahead, but tell it right," she responds and that's why couples podcasts are long and meandering. Don't believe me? I have names of shows to give you.

So ladies, do you let your man tell stories un-interrupted? Hmm? Do ya?

Guys, I'm right, right?

Guys? Hello?

Guys? Uh oh.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Walking Side By Side. I mean, really.

Have you ever seen a couple walking next to each other. I mean right-next-to-each other. That may work for some couples, but not me and my wife. Maybe it's because I'm curved on the sides, or maybe I'm hot blooded (not kidding. My body temp is pretty warm most times.), but for sure if we walked completely next to each other, I would trip and fall, I just know it. My wife and I take personal space and personal safety seriously (even though we are in love), and don't walk right next to each other. Heck, I've even seen couples clutching each other in a pseudo side embrace and walk next to each other. I hope they don't stay embraced when each other goes to the bathroom - gross.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

List of things that are the same color going in and coming out

Warning: This may be too gross or unfunny for some, but I'm a guy (a dumb guy at that) with a sense of humor, and I think its funny.

Apple Juice,
Wheat bread,
What else?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Halloween Costumes

First, I have a bit of a complaint. When I was growing up, Halloween costumes were scary, but then in the last few years, there was a meeting of the "Halloween Costume High Command," and it was decided that women should wear sexy Halloween costumes.

First off, I grew up in the "scary" costume era and during that time, I also went to church. So, in my Halloween costume wearing years, my normal choices of;

a vampire,
monster, etc now became
Bible Characters.

Bible Characters.

Think about it, the book that parents and clergy use to warn us about the "evils" of sex, we were now using it to create a list of Halloween/Harvest time costumes from.

I actually prayed and begged God to allow a few girls I had crushes on to come as Rahab the Prostitute, Salome the dancer, or Eve (pre fig leaf), but God said no to my creative prayer.

Let me be clear, I was glad my church even had a Halloween/Harvest opportunity to wear a costume at all. Some of my friend's churches didn't even celebrate holidays, so I guess I picked a better church to go to. I can remember my non-holiday celebrating church friends and I would sneak off to the Renaissance Fair and dream. Sigh.

So, my church's Halloween party night came, and the girls came to the church Halloween party as;

The 10 Commandment tablets (her boyfriend came as Moses),
Angels (there were 10 of those),
Joy (Ya know, one of the Fruits if the Spirit. Turns out there was a group of girls that were going to come dressed as all the Fruits of the Spirit (I mean, how cool would it be to go dressed up as 'Self Control'? Yep uber coolness.), but then the other girls changed their mind, came as angels, and never told the girl that was coming dressed up as Joy. The girl dressed up as Joy beat up a few angels at the party when she finally found out. It was quite a scene, angels with black eyes and bloody lips. It turns out Joy had a mean left hook.),
and a Zombie (turns out she got to stay on a technicality. She said she was dressed up as the little girl in the Bible story that Jesus brought back from the dead).

I almost got kicked out of the party, too. I put on a suit, carried a Bible and said I was dressed as Jimmy Swaggart. Yup, I was a Halloween rebel in 1987.

So, women can now come dressed as sexy (anything), and (normal looking) guys have the choice of;

fat Elvis,
a box with dots all over it (case of the measels),
Baseball player,
or not go the party and say they came dressed as the Invisible Man.

Halloween is still a cruel joke for a guy.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dumb Drunk Guy Showers in Wrong House

A WOMAN at home alone was terrified when she heard someone having a shower in her house.

Police later found a red-faced neighbour who was so drunk that he went into the house because he thought it was his own.

"He was very apologetic," Superintendent Daniel Shean said.

The man got lost on the way to his house in Katherine on Wednesday night. He walked into the home and took a shower in an attempt to sober up.

The 34-year-old householder was asleep upstairs.

She woke up, heard the water running and frantically rang the police.

Read more of the story

Friday, October 22, 2010

Goofing on Huell Howser (Host of PBS/KCET California's Gold)

A great video involving Mark S. Allen (the entertainment anchor for "Good Day Sacramento" the CW 21) on Huell Howser. Note: The clip is a bit loud, so turn it down first.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Bike Path

See, I'm a chubbly dumb guy. Well, less chubbly now. I went on a diet and started a fitness routine. My wife and I bought bikes a few years back, and I said, "We had better ride these bikes," and you guessed it, we did for awhile then not for a long time.

These days we are more riding than not. So, we have our long route, and it's - wait for it - long. You may be tuning out on the post, but hang on it will get funnier.

Bikes, cars and walkers have a strange relationship when it comes to streets and sidewalks. Oh, I know I'm supposed to ride on the street, but if 'lil Paris Hilton is updating her relationship from "It's Complicated," to "It's Very Complicated, Like Week One in the Hot Tub on The Real World Complicated," and then she clips me into the ice plant. The only plus would be that I would feel less bad for the Emergency crew when they lifted me into the ambulance. I would mumble to the EMT guys, "Hey, I weigh less now than I did 2 months ago".

So, I'm a good bike rider, following all the laws. I even wear the stupid helmet. Every once in awhile, I have a moment like the guy did in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," when he lifted his head at the girl, as if to say, "Hey there," but forgot he was wearing the goofy pirate uniform from work. It's happened to me, but switch the goofy pirate uniform with the goofy bike helmet. I know a woman ticked off at her husband for eye-flirting with female joggers passed that helmet law, I just know it.

So, part of our bike ride is down through a fairly big park. Parks are nice, but they have one thing that we "bicycling for health" people don't need - obstructions on the bike path.

Now, listen I get that any exercise is a pain in the patoot, and when you are out there sweating and exercising, you tune out because your body want to chillax more than exercise, but wow people on the bike path REALLY tune out. No offense to hearing impaired people, but when my wife rings the bell, that means, "Watch out, the Roney's are coming. Jeff is a quiet grump, but he is still very grumpy. Get out of his way," in every language. I swear, people in front of us create a mini "Hand Across America" march across the whole bike path. Sure, I wish I could fly, but I can't. I'm stuck here on a bike, on a bike path with a family of 5 holding hands walking on the bike path in front of me. So, I ride around and hit every piece of dog dookie there is in the dirt and go around them.

Let's talk about the speed in which the people at said bike path at the park we ride in walk, shall we?

Fast - Jeff speed. When I walk, I walk with purpose and driven direction. I want to get where I am going very quickly. I walk like Angelina Jolie is giving out free hugs, Jennifer Anniston is first in line, and she is holding a spot for me. I walk fast.

Medium - This is fairly normal. People are getting the walking done. I applaud them for stopping Farmville for awhile, going outside and walking. I'm cool with medium.

Slow - I know older folks can't walk Jeff speed, so I will cut them a break. They have lived a long life, and they want to keep it going, so I give them a pass on walking slow.

Painfully slow, meandering with no clue or no sense of direction (Really, really slow) - Oh, my god. I get these people in front of me all the time. They are walking like tourists in New York. Walking slowly, going nowhere really, talking on a cellphone or better yet - smoking while doing all the above. At some point, Painfully slow walkers really need to go home and start over. I get that chubbly people like me don't enjoy walking, but move over to the side - don't bring your friend along and block the whole path, walking slower than slower and talking the whole time. I want to write them a slower than slow walking ticket and banish them to a park bench till Colleen and I are done. Oh, and we get kids in front of us, too. Oh wow, do we get kids in front of us. Some kids follow the bell rule, and those kids are awesome, but then there are other kids. The kids who can't walk good, or ride skate boards real good. Wow.

Dogs. Now, I'm a dog person, but I see more and more dogs without leashes on the bike path. They are with they're owners, but without a leash on. I saw one guy riding a bike with his dachshund running alongside - without a leash. If I was that doxie, I would have ran alongside the master's bike awhile, then make a break for it - to Jeff Roney's house. :)

I know I've been mean and diva-ish about the whole bike path people blocking thing, but truth is I'm glad more people are out walking (Yes, even if its reeeeal slow in front of me), but sometimes I wish I carried a cattle prod with me on my bike rides. Sometimes, but not all the time.

Just pray for me.

If you don't believe in prayer and you hear the bike bell, just get out of the way.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Daily Buzz Best TV Bloopers

You can follow Mitch English on twitter at

You can find Andy Campbell at

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Engagement Ring: Part 2

The last time I brought this up the world almost ended;

A digital near-fist fight on Facebook broke out,
I lost FB friends,
and I had to drag a friend out of the melee.

So, of course I have to bring it up again.

I want to show you the different ways Men and Women view a situation. The situation - regifting an engagement ring. I already sense blood pressure rising - hear me out.

Men buy an engagement ring as a symbol that means, "I want to marry the girl I ask," Women sees the ring as, "You want to marry me," totally different views.

So, let's say a guy buys an engagement ring (which aren't cheap, in any economy btw) and asks a woman to marry him. Let's say she says 'yes', then the relationship breaks up before the marriage and she gives the ring back (It can happen). Here is where men and women diverge in their thinking.

Men hold an engagement ring in their hand. They are ready to ask the next woman they want to spend the rest of their life with, because the ring is an Engagement Ring. It is used to ask for an Engagement. Women see it differently.

Women have the idea that if you scrimp, save or put your credit in jeopardy and use a credit card to get the biggest ring you can afford (So you look good to her and her ring-comparing friends), and you give it to someone, and the relationship breaks up - the ring goes bad.

I'm not sure if there are cooties from the girl who ended up saying 'no,' and giving the ring back, but according to most women, the guy MUST get another engagement ring if he is to ever ask another woman to marry him.

Guys just don't understand that - at all. Guys look at the ring, and see a ring that is used for engagement, and is either paid for or will be paid for in 10 years or so. A guy would have no issue in asking something else to marry him with the ring he bought for someone else.

Women would have a conniption fit if they found that out, but a guy would do it. Maybe a guy could keep it a secret, and could go "Social Network silent" on it, because women have been know to search back through posts and tweets to see if the ring is new or not.

Men are very simple and practical. An engagement ring can be used for anyone.

Women are different, they hold a feeling that the ring is like an enchanted charm that is "meant" for someone, and it expires if the relationship goes bad.

So, what do you think? Can an engagement ring be re-gifted to someone else? I'll be under the table with the Kevlar vest on.

Robbie, you're on your own this time.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Don't Be A Boob, Be Aware

Men are Dumb participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month the only way we know how:

1. Jessica Simpson (You may be seeing double, or quadruple)

2. Anne Hathaway

3. Britney Spears

4. Jennifer Anniston

5. Halle Berry

6. Jamie Lee Curtis

7. Janet Jackson

8. Natalie Portman

9. Jennifer Love Hewitt

10. Angelina Jolie

We brought you all that for this:

National Breast Cancer Awareness Month Organization

Even Dumb Guys Care.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

They're Just Not That Into You

It's happened to all of us. We meet someone. Maybe at a party, Church dance, in a Comic Con line, in front of the Self Help section at a Barnes and Noble. Sparks fly, and you get or give out your number.

Women have interesting ways of letting a guy "figure out" that you're not really interested in talking to him ever again, but giving you the number; to a phone that hasn't worked for two years, to her Mom's old pager (Google it kids. Pager.), or better yet her brother's cell phone.

Yes, I didn't get "the hint" when I was young, single and ready to mingle. The signs of doom were all over it; She worked at a Blockbuster Video (That means she's paid to be nice to you, and therefore you can't construe that as she "likes you"), She gave me her pager number, It wasn't working, and in one of the two "not so smart" decisions in my life, I went back to the store to tell her that her pager wasn't working. She feigned shock and told me she forgot to pay the bill. It was at that moment, the smarter Jeff kicked the dumber Jeff in the nads. I learned alot that day. I learned to only hit on clerks at Hollywood Video, not Blockbuster Video.

Women, you give guys far too much credit. You think men possess the capability of reading the multiple nuances you place in words and actions. Please stop doing that.

Ladies you must look that geek in the eye, and say, "Listen, I'm very flattered, but it will never work out. I'm a woman. I'm not a Jawa, Vulcan, Dwarf, Elf, or whatever you're into. You can think about me from time to time, if it's not creepy.

Do not, and I repeat, Do not try and friend me on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Plurk, Bebo, Xanga, Hi5, Foursquare or anything other Social Networking site.

Better yet, just forget about me. Here, pretend this pen is that silver flashy thing in Men in Black.

There, I flashed it.

So go on with your life now and find a way to have more self confidence and less body fat. Oh, and another thing, if you ever stalk me, slash my tires, hack my email account, or anything else - I want you know that I have friends that work for all 3 Credit bureaus, and we can make your next Apple gadget fantasy a bad credit nightmare. Okay, Obi John KaNoobie? Have a nice night. May the Force Be With You, Live Long and Prosper, and Whatever they said in Avatar. Next in line, please."

Not that I have *ever* fell in like with a gal at Blockbuster that gave me the phone number to a pager that had the number disconnected, nope, and then I went back to tell her the number was disconnected to which she replied in shock "really? Oh my gosh I must have forgotten to pay the bill," nope I never did that. Nope, not ever. Sigh.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Waterpark

I live in Orange County, CA. You would think that it is 72 everyday of the year, but that is not true. We hit 100 plus a few days more than I'd like (1 is too much, in my opinion), and so you need to get creative to cool off.

My thrifty self would put both feet in ice water and turn on a fan, but my wife had a better idea, "Let's go to the Water Park!" Kinda made sense. No pool clean up for little ol' me, maybe a bikini or two. Sold. Let's go!

We stepped out, and I heard angels singing (Angels that also clean the pools in the waterpark, of course). A whole park filled with watery delights - all for me (and a few other thousand people). I stepped in this magical place, and looked for some chairs for my wife and I to set our stuff.

This is not easy.

You almost have to be a psychic to know that anything that touches a chair means that it is saved for someone. It was like I was choosing the right chalice in the movie, "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Which wasn't the last crusade after all, was it? Just sayin'). I summoned all my powers, and we choose 2 lawn chairs underneath an umbrella. Now, that umbrella just happened to be about 10 miles from the water areas I would be interested in (Funny how that worked, huh?), but hey I could use a little exercise, so off we went.

To get to the "Lazy River," I had to walk past the kids play area with a million variations of water spewing, spittering and shooting out in all different directions. I think I saw one kids point at me, as if to say, "Let's get the big guy". Then, a little kid snuck over to a water flow adjuster, so as I walked by the mist became a gusher pointed at me. I was soaked, and the kids high-fived each other. Another large adult annoyed by the younger generation. My inner curmudgeon made an invisible gesture at them, and I walked on to the lazy river.

As I waded into the Lazy River, I put aside the worries of the biological happenings in the water if the kids don't want to get out and go to the restroom, and went with the flow. I grabbed an inner tube and thought about my options;

Hop on top if it and have my feet sticking out backwards (in people's faces at multiple times of the day),
Sit on top of the tube, and have the tyrannosaurus effect of my trying to control the speed and directions with my hand, or
Throw caution to the wind and poke myself through the middle and use it as a large floatee.

I chose the latter.

Floating down the river, you see things - horrible things. Now, I'm not a skinny dude, but I have respect for other people's eyes, so I wear a shirt the whole time.  Other men did not.

At certain parts of the park I swear I saw men that the special effects guys from the Twilight Saga used for comparison work for the wolves' hair. Other guys reminded me of a tarantula. I wanted to ask them if I could shave in my web address in their back. I'll bet you that would get me thousands of hits from people reading mu url on the backs of "wolfy," or "spidey" alone.

One of the scariest moments was when the Lazy River turned into Thug River. I saw a man with the tatoo that read, "Splash me, and I Kill." He and his posse floating by me on lime green tubes with non-legal squirt guns, just glaring at everyone. A kid almost splashed the posse, but I jumped over and took the splash for the posse (yo). One of the posse members saw my move, nodded at me approvingly and handed me a counterfeit free Water Park pass for next time.

We met up with the family at the Water Park one time, and someone said, "Let's go on (a fast water slide ride thing not meant for big guys)", so I took leave of my senses and went on it. Gravity is a great law, but when a big guy like me uses it in a water slide it becomes the law of survival. I almost slipped over the wall into lane 2. Come to think of it, Heidi Spencer was coming down in lane 2 - she would've never felt a thing.

So that was my day at the waterpark. What was yours like?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Segway Owner Ironic Death. Too Soon?

So, we are saddened to report the death of the owner of the Segway company (That's not him in the above picture). Now, how he died, that's - well, read it for yourself.

"The multi-millionaire owner of the company that makes Segway motorised scooters has died in a freak accident while riding one of his vehicles.

Jimi Heselden, 62, was found dead in a river after plunging 80 feet over a limestone cliff near his home.

He was riding a rugged country version of the two-wheeled Segway when tragedy struck."

Read more: Here

Deal of the Day: Playstation Move

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Don't Steal then Hide in a Dumpster, because Today is Trash Day.

Another dumb guy story. This is to incredible to be true, but it is. Wow.

"When police were called out to a robbery at their local Wal-Mart , the suspected thief appeared to vanish into thin air.

For about 40 minutes on Wednesday morning, officers in Alliance, Ohio searched the area for a suspect who was accused of trying to sneak about $1,000 worth of merchandise out of the superstore's side door.

Then the police got a call from an man claiming to be his friend.

Alliance Police Lt. William Morris told Fox 8 News that the caller told police that his friend, James Brienzo, 37, had used his mobile phone to get help."

Read more here

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Top Five Danger Questions and Answers for Guys

Relationships are great, but they can be dangerous as well. Women constantly want to know things - all kinds of things, and so they ask questions - all kinds of questions. There are 10 questions you must be careful on how you answer, and we are here to help.

5. Question: What are you thinking about?
Answer Notes: Women want to be what's on a guys mind all the time, so this question is a bit of a pop quiz for a guy. So guys, avoid a gotcha moment, and prepare.

Possible Answer: (pause, like you are revealing something 'deep down') "You know what I'm thinking about? What to get you for your birthday (or Christmas, Valentine's Day, whatever is coming up soon). I get the same thing for you all the time, and it just bugs me". Sure, she might say, "Yeah, right" at first, but then she will pause and ask, "You're really worried about that?" "Sure. I mean, our relationship is worth more than the same gift all the time, isn't it?" She should be taken aback by your response, and begin to give you ideas. For Heaven's sake guys, write them down. Note: Gotcha moment diffused, and the table have turned on her. You're welcome.

4. Question: If I died, who would you date (or marry)?
Possible Answer: "How can you say that?" "What? I was just wondering," "Do you know how hard it is for one soul mate to find another?" "Well, uh, it was easy for us," "Yes, because I found all the wrong soul mates before you, and now you ask about me losing you. How can you ask that?" "I, uh, I don't know, I was just wondering," "Who would you date (or marry) if I died? How's that?" "Look, I was just wondering," "See, you won't answer"... Again, you're welcome guys.

3. Question: Do I look fat in this?
Possible Answer: "No," "No, I am, you're just saying that," "Hey, you don't trust my judgment?" "Well, no...but," "But what? "You're just saying that. You have to," "No I don't. See, Madison Avenue has you hoodwinked. Let me show you something," She will be thrown off by this, but stand up and walk over to her. More than likely she is standing in front of the mirror, so turn her away from the mirror, "The mirror lies, honey. All the ads are made to crush your self-esteem. Look at me," You may have to lift her chin to look in her eyes, "I'm not a mirror, and I'm not an ad on TV, so you can trust me when I say, you look fantastic". Note: You may have to take an acting class, because you might laugh at any point of your speech. Stay in the moment, and you can escape this danger question alive.

2. Question: Are my friends (or sister) cuter than me?

Answer Note: If you dated her friends or her sister, you're on your own.

Possible Answer: "Honey, where is this coming from?" "Uh, I, uh just wanted to know," "What's behind this?" "Uh, nothing, I uh was just wondering," "What's really going on, here?" This should go on awhile, but never answer honestly - never.

1. Question: Where is this relationship going?

Possible Answer: This never went well for our staff of researchers. You are on your own with this one. Good luck.

Are there any other questions?

Friday, September 17, 2010

Wife Swap - Men are Dumb style

So, married men, have you ever wished you could trade your wife in for a bikini model? You have? This guy got a chance to do it.

I'd like to thank John Cosper and Sunday School Dropouts for this awesome video. Enjoy all!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Green Living

It's all the rage these days, but let's look at the way I see Men and Women living green.

Women like to buy new stuff. It's a fact. Women are like crows, they see something shiny, different new, pink, "new," and they buy it.

The same goes for "Green" or "Natural," they will buy it. Even though there are "do it yourself green" cleaners you can mix yourself at home, cleaning product makers lure women to buy theirs all the time.

Men are far better at recyling and reusing than women can even fathom;

Men will wear clothes over and over (saving laundry soap, gas or electric for water heating and water) until a woman assures them that clothes must be washed every week, not matter if the guy sweated in the clothes or not.

Men would go for months and not wash bed sheets and pillow covers, if they have them. They are convinced that dust mites are Mattress company propaganda.

If men have a dog in the house, they would let the dog lick the dinner plate clean (saving dishwashing liquid, gas or electric for water heating and water) and make the dog happy.

Men would grow a full face beard (saving electricity for the shaver or hot water and soap).

What else do you know men to do to "live green"?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Nope, didn't win best humor blog, but...

it was cool to be nominated. Thanks to everyone who voted. I really appreciate it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Drug dealer texted to the VERY wrong number

A Helena teen sent out a text message last week looking to buy marijuana, only instead of texting the drug dealer, he hit a wrong number.

Who received it?

The Lewis and Clark County sheriff.

The text message said: “Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?”

Sheriff Leo Dutton initially thought someone was playing a joke on him, but quickly realized it was a real request for a drug exchange.

“I’m thinking, ‘Hey this is odd,’ ” Dutton said. “I was looking around to see if there was someone outside my window playing a prank.”

He played along as if it were legitimate. “How much we talking?” Dutton replied to the teen.

Read the rest of the story here.

1 more thing...

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Voting ends midnight, Sunday, September 12th. Thanks so much.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Daddy Disneyland

From time to time, we here at Men are Dumb, and I Should Know get letters from dumb men confessing dumb things, and this is wild one about a Dad's visit to Disneyland.

"Hi Jeff, I had a very interesting visit to Disneyland, and I wanted to tell you about it. My wife and I took our 6 year old little girl on a vacation from the mid-West, and after a horrific, screaming kid-sleepless-turbulent-filled  plane ride I thought it would be a nice easy time in Anaheim. Boy, was I wrong.

The alarm went off the next morning and I heard my wife throwing up in the bathroom, and my little girl was crying, dressed in her princess dress, sitting on her bed. I asked my wife if she was still okay to go with us, and my wife threw a roll of toilet paper at me. I guess that means she wasn't going. I told her she just needed to take some medicine, and get ready for Princess Day with our daughter. My wife threw something else at me that I’d rather not say. 

See, even though I’m the “man of the house,” my wife is the Queen and Queen takes “man” any day of the week. 

I got ready, and my wife threw me out of the hotel room for my daughter’s Princess Day.

The bus picked us up in front of the hotel, and I thought I was funny and said, “Take us to the happiest place on earth where I’ll spend a lot of money”. He dropped us off in front of an adult bookstore and laughed as he sped away. I walked the rest of the way to Disneyland, covering the eyes of my daughter. Yes, she was crying again.

We finally went through the front gate of Disneyland and my daughter says, “I gotta go potty.” I walked up to the restrooms, and I was in a quandary (and I don’t even really know what a quandary is, but I was in one). 

Do I take the my daughter into the men’s restroom, or let her go by herself in the women’s restroom? 

I didn’t want to call me wife and ask. She would throw the phone, and I would never get my answer. So, I made an executive decision and sent my daughter into the women’s restroom.

I waited, and waited some more.

I finally got a little worried and called in, “Honey, are you done?” Some lady I didn’t know called back, “No lover, ya wanna come in and help?” I told her no, and covered my eyes and went into the unknown of the women’s restroom to get my daughter.

The Disney security guy was really grumpy when he heard about what I did, and I explained it to him later. He let me off with a warning and he gave me one of those, “Meet the Fockers” eye to eye motions, and left.

I took my daughter to Pixie’s Hollow. There I was with a huge line of Moms and their daughters “tweeting” to each other. We got up to Tinkerbell or whoever, and my daughter went up to talk to her. I took a few pictures of the Pixie in pink, and told her to turn around and pose for some more pictures. As if on cue, the Security Guard came back. He was grumpier this time. We left Pixie’s Hollow, and I think the pink one flipped me off. 

Naughty Pixie.

I wanted to ride any of the rides that have the word “mountain” in it, but my daughter wanted to stay in Fantasyland. We rode Snow White, and that witch reminded me of my wife’s crazy Aunt from the old country. She never liked me. For our wedding she gave us a set of dribble glasses. Dribble glasses! Who still does that? My wife’s crazy Aunt, apparently. We used them for an important dinner with my old boss. Yes, I said old boss. Thank Aunt Nadezda, I’ll get you back. I got so mad thinking about her, I flipped off the witch on the ride. My daughter didn’t see, but you guessed it, the Security Guy did. It turns out they have cameras everywhere. We left Fantasyland after that.

We went to the Princess Tea Party, and I really wasn’t into it. So much pink and so much laughing. I had some cake, and then I heard on of the Princess, “Psst”. I looked over, and she was smiling and winked at me. She was cute, yeah, but I knew the Security Guard had something to do with it. I said, “Look Princess, I’m here for my daughter’s birthday.” The Princess leaned over and said something in my ear I can’t type, but I knew she wouldn’t wear white on her next wedding day. She gave me a FastPass - for her! 

I’m serious. 

I put the fast Pass in my pocket, and tried to forget about it while I walked off my daughter’s sugar high.

I took my daughter to see Fantasmic, and then I see this very cute pirate woman motioning me to a VIP viewing section. Hey, it’s Disneyland, and I guess I won a magical viewing section for me and my daughter (who was sleeping now because of all the sugar). Well, the viewing spot was lousy for Fantasmic, but great for seeing this helpful, cute pirate usherette. It’s turned out, she was the naughty Princess that gave me the Fast Pass. We started talking, just talking, and then, it happened again. The Disney security guard came up, and proceeded to throw me into Disney jail.

It turned out that the Disney jail was more fun than the park. There was always a bathroom close, and the lines were very short to it. So my Princess/Female Pirate friend was a "lady of the evening" that worked in the daytime, and that day was the day the Disney security guards put in place a sting operation to catch her and the johns, and even though my name isn't John, they nabbed me, too.

Then, they called my wife.

That was worse than rotting in the Disney jail, let me tell you.

So, my wife comes into the Disney jail smelling of Nyquil and Vicks Vapor rub, dressed in a housecoat and with hair that made that guy from Flock of Seagulls look tame, to bail me out. The goofy jailer (no pun intended) led her over to my cell and said, “This man says he’s you’re husband.” I sheepishly smiled and waved to my sick as a dog wife, and she look right at me and said, “I’ve never seen that man before in my life”. She bailed the Princess/Pirate “friend” and they went shopping with my credit card.

I finally got out of the Disney jail, but I’ll save that for another letter, Jeff. Great blog keep up the great work."

Name withheld for stupidity.

Oh wait! 1 more thing...

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Voting ends midnight, Sunday, September 12th. Thanks so much.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Boob Confusion

Women have so many creams, potions and contraptions to change their appearance, it would be shocking if someone recognized a woman without makeup and the other accouterments on. Makeup, I understand. I wasn't in an 80's band, so I didn't use makeup, and girls had to like me for what was inside.

Sigh, college was a lonely time. Anyways...

Boobs are wondrous things. Boobs are just about the coolest creations God ever did. Well, that and the Grand Canyon. Naps, too. I'll stop.

Anyway boobs are great, but you ladies use trickery sometimes, and I know it. Some call it "bra magic", but it confuses me.

See, one day a ladies boobs would one be size, and I go, "Hey, awesome," then the next day they are doubled the size. Now, I'm wondering if a boob job can be done at lunchtime somewhere, and say, "Okay, there's more to admire," and then the next day, they are back to the original size.

Ladies, it's very confusing.

It's almost like you are a very attractive, non-green Hulk, but only one part of your body grows for a day. It's not when you're mad either. I've made you laugh, and they are still the 'other' size.

I mean, I could set pictures of you ladies side by side, and study them like the Zapruder film to find your boobial metamorphisis, but my wife would pop me in the back of the head. Anyways...

Look, ladies just be who you are. If you really want to wear bras with water, foam, air, chicken feathers, or packing peanuts in them to enhance your boobiness, go ahead. I would ask that you also wear a shirt stating, "Objects may seem larger than normal," and I think we'll be cool with that. Guys will read your shirt, and smile at you, as if to say, "Hey, thanks for enhancing the boobage, but we like em anyway you got em".

1 more thing...

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Voting ends midnight, Sunday, September 12th. Thanks so much.

We've Been Spotted - Please Vote 4 Us

Very exciting news today! We are nominated as one of the BEST blogs and websites in all of Orange County, Cali and we are pretty happy about it. See the icon below?

Ok, so now the icon is right above this now. Go ahead and click on it and vote for us, please.

In case there is any confusion - the icon takes you to a list of all the blogs that are in the running (There are lots of good ones, too), but the voting link may be hard to find. Here is the voting link:

Voting ends midnight, Sunday, September 12th. Thanks so much. More fun to follow.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Steve Slater is free...

to work anywhere he wants to, except for Jet Blue.

That was a joke Memo, but the story isn't.

"NEW YORK -- Sometimes there's no going back.

JetBlue Airways says that there will be no second exits for famed flight attendant Steven Slater -- who captured the nation's imagination with his profanity-laced loudspeaker tirade and jump down a plane's emergency chute, beer in hand.

Spokeswoman Jenny Dervin said Saturday that Slater is no longer employed by the airline. She said the airline won't release further details out of respect for Slater's privacy." Read the rest of the story here.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Meet Yoda the cat with FOUR ears

From the article, "If Batman had a cat, it would probably look something like this.

The household pet, named Yoda, was born with an extra set of ears.

Valerie and Ted Rock took him in two years ago after visiting a bar near their home in Chicago, where he was being passed round by curious drinkers.

He was one of a large litter and the owners were looking for a home for him." Read more of the story, and see more pictures here.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Seat Saver

Saving seats at a theater. If a date couple or a group of males and females goes to a movie, there usually the moment where the small-bladdered female(s) have to empty them before the movie and ask, "Hey, could you save us some seats?" Normally (in my opinion) it falls to the guy, because we have bladder upgrades (or our bathrooms aren't as fun as female bathrooms), I guess.

So, do the lady or ladies leave sweaters or something for the guy to lay over the "saved" seats? Oh no, that would be too easy. So, the guy wants to sit there and stare into space and think about how to beat the level he is on that video game he is playing, Angelina Jolie's tatoos, or Christina Aguilera married a goofy looking guy, then maybe he has a chance with her, or Angelina - or both. He is startled from his perfect daydream by, "Hey buddy, are those seats saved?" "Yeah they are, sorry," and then he sees the smirky scowl of disgust from the guy and his girlfriend. It gets worse from there, everyone in the world wants those seats next to me. They thinks it's like a fun convention where they hide gift cards under the seats or something. Note: There was dried gum under the seats, no gift cards - I checked.

Too bad there isn't a sign you could bring that says, "Hi people that came to the theater later than I did. My girlfriend is in the bathroom, and she wanted me to save her and her goofy friends seats. I know there's nothing on the seats that would let you know that, and I know we have the greatest seat choosing skill in the world. I know you really, really want to sit next to us, too. I'm flattered really, but it just can't happen. You're going to have to schlep yourself up the stairs and sit next to the old people in the back row that will more than likely let a little tooter and cough to try and cover it up at multiple times in the movie. You'd better pick up one of those car fresheners and slip it under Ol' Tooties seat. You'll thank me later. Hey listen, I have an idea. Why don't I call you when I'm leaving for the movie theater next time, so you know it's time for you to leave, too? Better yet, if you will explain this to my girlfriend and her friends, who should be coming any moment, then yes, you can sit in these seats, but you're hot girlfriend sits next to me. How's that?"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Men are Dumb Ad

<a href="">LinkedTube</a>

I'd like to thank Jen Avila from The Jen and Dave Show, Natalie Nicole Gilbert from, and Amy from The Redboy Podcast for their great help on this Ad. Go check them out.

Geeky note: I used this site to add the coolio button on top of my youtube video:

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Women are walking audio temperature gauges. It's true. If, for some reason, you couldn't tell if the temperature was hot or cold, a woman will say it. It's almost like tourettes, only with weather.

Let's paint the scene, shall we? A group of people is walking out of a mall in the summertime, a few girls and guys in the group, and then it starts...

"It is so HOT!" Girl one says,
"Oh my god, yes! Soooo hot!" Girl two says,
"I"m already sweating like a pig, ugh," Girl three says,
Guy is smiling, listening to his ipod.

A muggy day? Switch muggy with hot.

A cold day? You know what to do.

Oh yeah, women Tweet, FB update, Myspace post, skywrite and send message expressing how they feel about the weather. Just sayin'

You're thoughts? ;)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Eco-Friendly bag sayings

With all the eco-friendly bags being used, I figured I'd toss out some sayings that might go good on them. Whole Foods, I'm looking at you, and only want 50% of your profit.

Eco-Friendly Bag Sayings
"Wanna come over, watch Food Inc, and make out?"
"I am Vegan, hear me roar. Environmentally friendly, of course"
"Where's the Beef? I don't care"
"I'm part Vegan. Guess which part."
"I'm single. Let's pitch some woo, near the Tofu"
"My carbon footprint is small, and wears high heels"
"McDonald's hates me right now."
"This used to be a wedding gift that I hated. Deal"
"Locally Grown. ;)"

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Women remember everything. I mean everything. Their minds are like huge computers in an attractive body. Women remember dates, times, places, situations and the words people say. Boy, do they remember words guys say (especially husbands).

Guys have you ever heard, "Do you know what she said to me?" That is usually the beginning of a long tirade-laden saga about all the times (full explanations included) your lady helped out this gal, and all the times this gal stabbed her in the back, hurt her, etc, and how this comment (which to you wouldn't be a big deal, but based on the female karmic scale was the worst thing ever) made her feel. Guys, don't say anything, just listen. Like you would at a Timeshare presentation for free tickets to a Vegas show.

Guys, have you ever used the wrong words around women? Yup, me too. The bad thing is that ladies will remember the wrong words a looooooong time.

Women remember dates amazingly. My wife (I would say most ladies) for example, is a human date memory bank. She remembers the date of our first date, first kiss, first time I called her my first wife's name (Ha! That's never happened. Never).

When Colleen and I got married, we got married on 9/11/99. At that point, she joked, "If you forget our anniversary, that's the number they will call," so that was fun, and then the saddest day in American history happened. Needless to say, I will never forget our Anniversary date.

Guys can't remember much of anything. Post-it notes are a god send for guys, but then computer monitors become expensive Post-it Note posting frames. Men still forget, because they can't carry the monitors around. Sure, they could type in notes on their Smartphones, but they're too busy checking Facebook.

What is your experience with Memory?

Friday, August 13, 2010

Update: Flipped Out Flight Attendant

He wants his old job back, now. Seriously???
Well, I guess everyone on his flight will REALLY follow ALL flight attendant instructions, then. Maybe he could be the only person to check the "Yes, the slide does in fact deploy when you pull the handle," line on the checklist.

Read more here:

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wrinkled Clothes

When clothes are wrinkled, Men and Women handle it very differently.

Women would iron wrinkled clothes.

Men would normally not iron wrinkled clothes, they would;

Stay seated as long as they could at their desk/cube at work, so no one would notice,
Turn the lights lower in the office (to make it harder to spot the wrinkles), say "its for the environment,"
Stay farther away from someone when you talk to them,
Stand behind something (desk, half wall, short cube wall, bushes, car, etc) when you talk to someone,
Lie and say, "Look at what this weather does to my clothes. Crazy!",
They would say, "Oh yeah, *this* is the new fashion style from Paris,"
They would say, "I'm going green. Do you know how much power an iron uses? It's crazy!",
They would say, "I assisted in a foot pursuit of a dangerous criminal before I got here. We lost em, but I got here on time,"
They would say, "These clothes were made from cotton from older sheep," *I wonder if anyone will get this one.*
They would say, "I take Yoga breaks. I took one right before I got here,"
They would say, "My iron was recalled. I'm still a little nervous about trying a new one,"
"You should see my other clothes that I didn't iron,"
They would say, "I sure miss polyester. You were saying?"
They would say, "It's the principle of the thing. Until they fix ironing boards to not make that annoying sound when you set them up, I will never iron anything again. Besides, it hurts the doggie's little ears when I set up the ironing board."

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Flipped Out Flight Attendant

New York (CNN) -- Police arrested a flight attendant Monday suspected of triggering an emergency escape chute on a plane parked at a JFK Airport terminal, a spokeswoman for the district attorney said.

Read more here:

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I graduated from grade school, high school and college (not some online thing. A real college with buildings and stuff). I didn't party much at all, but I did take Nyquil when I was sick. I say all that to say this - something is wrong with me.

Maybe its my hearing, or maybe its my brain, but something definitely is wrong with me.

I have come to call it - Jeffinese. It is a language unto itself. I create words that sound close to what they are supposed to be, but not exactly what they should be.

A few examples;

1. I said a lady had Post Mortum Possession, and she actually had Postpartum Depression. Not joking about the situation. I know it is serious, but it is an example of what I'm talking about. Again, I'm not joking about the situation,
2. I've called Jennifer, Jessica and vice versa. Sorry to all the Jessicas and Jennifers out there,
3. I called Joran Van Der Sloot, "Yonder Van Snoot",
4. I constantly can't remember certain names of actors in movies, and describe them as, "That girl in the TV show with the monkey who was a CPA".

Now, I picked the best wife (the 2nd time) in the world, because she translates Jeffinese perfectly (well, most times). Anyway, my wife is awesome.

I've not heard women do this much, but my cousin used to mangle lyrics all the time. For instance, ABBA's Fernando. She would mumble the lyrics to the verses softly (including some Spanish words here and there (like Taco, Tostada, etc), and then belt out loudly, "Fernando!" when it came up in the lyrics of the song.

So do you or your significant other mangle words like myself or my cousin does (Truth be told, she probably doesn't do it anymore) or did?

Come on, fess up. :)