"Hi Jeff, I had a very interesting visit to Disneyland, and I wanted to tell you about it. My wife and I took our 6 year old little girl on a vacation from the mid-West, and after a horrific, screaming kid-sleepless-turbulent-filled plane ride I thought it would be a nice easy time in Anaheim. Boy, was I wrong.
The alarm went off the next morning and I heard my wife throwing up in the bathroom, and my little girl was crying, dressed in her princess dress, sitting on her bed. I asked my wife if she was still okay to go with us, and my wife threw a roll of toilet paper at me. I guess that means she wasn't going. I told her she just needed to take some medicine, and get ready for Princess Day with our daughter. My wife threw something else at me that I’d rather not say.
See, even though I’m the “man of the house,” my wife is the Queen and Queen takes “man” any day of the week.
I got ready, and my wife threw me out of the hotel room for my daughter’s Princess Day.
The bus picked us up in front of the hotel, and I thought I was funny and said, “Take us to the happiest place on earth where I’ll spend a lot of money”. He dropped us off in front of an adult bookstore and laughed as he sped away. I walked the rest of the way to Disneyland, covering the eyes of my daughter. Yes, she was crying again.
We finally went through the front gate of Disneyland and my daughter says, “I gotta go potty.” I walked up to the restrooms, and I was in a quandary (and I don’t even really know what a quandary is, but I was in one).
Do I take the my daughter into the men’s restroom, or let her go by herself in the women’s restroom?
I didn’t want to call me wife and ask. She would throw the phone, and I would never get my answer. So, I made an executive decision and sent my daughter into the women’s restroom.
I waited, and waited some more.
I finally got a little worried and called in, “Honey, are you done?” Some lady I didn’t know called back, “No lover, ya wanna come in and help?” I told her no, and covered my eyes and went into the unknown of the women’s restroom to get my daughter.
The Disney security guy was really grumpy when he heard about what I did, and I explained it to him later. He let me off with a warning and he gave me one of those, “Meet the Fockers” eye to eye motions, and left.
I took my daughter to Pixie’s Hollow. There I was with a huge line of Moms and their daughters “tweeting” to each other. We got up to Tinkerbell or whoever, and my daughter went up to talk to her. I took a few pictures of the Pixie in pink, and told her to turn around and pose for some more pictures. As if on cue, the Security Guard came back. He was grumpier this time. We left Pixie’s Hollow, and I think the pink one flipped me off.
I wanted to ride any of the rides that have the word “mountain” in it, but my daughter wanted to stay in Fantasyland. We rode Snow White, and that witch reminded me of my wife’s crazy Aunt from the old country. She never liked me. For our wedding she gave us a set of dribble glasses. Dribble glasses! Who still does that? My wife’s crazy Aunt, apparently. We used them for an important dinner with my old boss. Yes, I said old boss. Thank Aunt Nadezda, I’ll get you back. I got so mad thinking about her, I flipped off the witch on the ride. My daughter didn’t see, but you guessed it, the Security Guy did. It turns out they have cameras everywhere. We left Fantasyland after that.
We went to the Princess Tea Party, and I really wasn’t into it. So much pink and so much laughing. I had some cake, and then I heard on of the Princess, “Psst”. I looked over, and she was smiling and winked at me. She was cute, yeah, but I knew the Security Guard had something to do with it. I said, “Look Princess, I’m here for my daughter’s birthday.” The Princess leaned over and said something in my ear I can’t type, but I knew she wouldn’t wear white on her next wedding day. She gave me a FastPass - for her!
I put the fast Pass in my pocket, and tried to forget about it while I walked off my daughter’s sugar high.
I took my daughter to see Fantasmic, and then I see this very cute pirate woman motioning me to a VIP viewing section. Hey, it’s Disneyland, and I guess I won a magical viewing section for me and my daughter (who was sleeping now because of all the sugar). Well, the viewing spot was lousy for Fantasmic, but great for seeing this helpful, cute pirate usherette. It’s turned out, she was the naughty Princess that gave me the Fast Pass. We started talking, just talking, and then, it happened again. The Disney security guard came up, and proceeded to throw me into Disney jail.
It turned out that the Disney jail was more fun than the park. There was always a bathroom close, and the lines were very short to it. So my Princess/Female Pirate friend was a "lady of the evening" that worked in the daytime, and that day was the day the Disney security guards put in place a sting operation to catch her and the johns, and even though my name isn't John, they nabbed me, too.
Then, they called my wife.
That was worse than rotting in the Disney jail, let me tell you.
So, my wife comes into the Disney jail smelling of Nyquil and Vicks Vapor rub, dressed in a housecoat and with hair that made that guy from Flock of Seagulls look tame, to bail me out. The goofy jailer (no pun intended) led her over to my cell and said, “This man says he’s you’re husband.” I sheepishly smiled and waved to my sick as a dog wife, and she look right at me and said, “I’ve never seen that man before in my life”. She bailed the Princess/Pirate “friend” and they went shopping with my credit card.
I finally got out of the Disney jail, but I’ll save that for another letter, Jeff. Great blog keep up the great work."
Name withheld for stupidity.
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