Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Difference between Men and Women #4 - Gas (not for your car)

Gas (Latin for Farting)

Everybody "passes gas," but women and men treat this act very differently. Get your gas mask on, we are goin' in.

To guys, farting is a badge of accomplishment (like the foursquare app, only stinkier). When the butt trumpet let's out the toot, there is a moment of judging the sound, like the Olympics, then the guys scatter like (insert newest scandal-ridden politician here, like; Dem. Eric Massa for example) supporters.

The gaseous competition extends to the public restroom. If a guy in the next stall, and let's a butt burp out. The rest of the guys think, "I can beat that," and then the strain for the "King of the Fart" award commences. I've won a few times, but my wife won't let me display the award. Heh, women. ;)

Guy farts can almost be symphonic (Possibly women's, too, but I have no proof of such things). There are times I've heard sonic stink sounds in the men's bathroom that would rival those composed by John Williams. I heard a fart that resembled the the Last Battle theme from Star Wars one time. I actually clapped for the guy, and he quietly thanked me and told me what he had for lunch. See, farts can bring people together, I tell you.

There have been tales of guys lighting their farts on fire, and yes there are videos showing this strange ritual. It is incredible to think that God created men with the ability to become a natural flamethrower if they need to protect themselves in a college dorm. Ain't the human body somethin'.

Women and gas. Ah, what a subject. Women have tried throughout the centuries, to make men believe that they do not pass gas (especially during the early dating period of time). I guess this is why they go to the restroom so much, to do what they claim they do not do. I imagine the women's restroom at a restaurant normally frequented by dating couples is a roar of fart sounds like has never been heard before. I can only guess. Any ladies like to confirm? :crickets: Guess not.

However, we men know the truth. Women, in fact do pass gas (even though they scold men for the act). The reason, we do hear it. Yep, its like seeing a unicorn, an honest lawyer, or a Playboy centerfold attorney. There comes a time in a relationship when the women let it slip, and join the "Fart club," that men have been a part of for so long.

To a guy, it actually is a touching thing to realize that a woman thinks so much of him, that they share something more personal than a PIN number, a fart. Scoff if you want, but a fart can be a bonding thing to a relationship. Women, not so much, but to a guy, it may make him tear up (especially if she ate mexican food).

Here's a fun scenario;

Get a room full of men and women centered around a card game, like Bunko for example, and have the game time last for hours, and see how long the women last without "letting one out". See, women are competitive, especially playing a game against their husband/boyfriend, etc, so it would be tough for them to leave. Wow, that would something. Wait, it happened to me. True story.

It was a church bunko night, and the whole church was there on a chilly evening, and they served - wait for it - chili. Un huh, chili. The couple teams played against everyone else, and the most winning teams played each other to be bunko champion for prizes. To bad it wasn't a quiet room, but then women might do the old "cough to cover the fart" trick. Women filed out every once in awhile to visit the restroom, but the funniest was the men. Some guys smoked, but I also saw guys going outside without cigarettes, too. I guess they were verifying where the big and little dipper were that night. I don't smoke, but I would have been leery of using a lighter in the guy "smoking and gas area," because of possible explosive situations.

I hear that married couples high five each other during certain gas passing episodes, but I have no firm knowledge of such things. I have received anonymous notes referring to blaming farts on babies, small children, older humans, dogs, etc. These people apologized, but said they would do it again, if they had to. Anyone care to comment on any of this?

Life stinks, you run out of the room, and then you high five each other after you spray, I guess.

Just in case you need candles to cover up a smell or two, check this cool site out:

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Jeff Roney
Writer, Blogger, Comedian, Dumb Guy

RoneyZone Productions - Awesome creations you haven't heard of, til now.
tel.: 714-929-7857

Monday, April 5, 2010

The Heart of the Matter - Forgiveness #fb

Forgive, even though the person doesn't deserve it.

Life is painful. Oh, I know that when we think back on our life, the good times quickly come to mind. The good times are a wonderful treat, but they don't test you, or help you grow. Pain causes growth. The heavy weight that causes the muscle to retreat, or break down under the pressure, causes those muscles to get stronger. That's just the way it is. Our bodies have an amazing way of healing itself, but sometimes we need to take action to heal emotional hurts.

Forgiveness is a gift that you can give, even if the other person doesn't take it, acknowledge the wrong, or return the favor.

It's a gift you can give to someone that never asked for it, or never deserved it - because this gift you give away, can end up healing you. Keep in mind, this can be with just you. Sometimes the people we need to forgive can't, or shouldn't be contacted. What I am discussing here is just within yourself.

** Only for the Brave -
You may want to take out a piece of paper and write down those you need to forgive. Let go of the weight and the emotional chains that unforgiveness brings, then rip up and throw away the paper. It can be life changing, but maybe you aren't ready for that yet.

People aren't perfect, especially the ones closest to us. Our family, friends, spouse, significant others will hurt us. We can't change others, but we can learn new actions (and reactions) for ourselves. Forgiveness is tough to give. Revenge feels 'right,' but it only extends the hurt. Forgiveness feels 'crazy' to us, but it can disengage you from the hurt. Forgiveness is freedom. Living free of unforgiveness, bitterness and anger is its own gift. Just try to forgive, often.

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Thanks for dropping by. I mean it,

Jeff Roney
Writer, Blogger, Comedian, Dumb Guy

RoneyZone Productions - Awesome creations you haven't heard of, til now.
tel.: 714-929-7857

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spotlight - Natalie Nicole Gilbert #fb

Name: Natalie Nicole Gilbert
Hometown: Eh, the Midwest.
Where do you call home now? Los Angeles
Tell us a bit about yourself: I write songs (Psst, Twilight fans. She wrote a song about the Twilight saga, too). I talk too much on the radio.
If you were one of the 7 Dwarves, which one would you be? Sleepy
What is the craziest (family friendly) thing you've ever done? It's not family friendly, but no one at the Jailer's Bed and Breakfast ever knew.
What do you wish guys would learn? We're not as different as you think we are. Women crave respect, too.
Finish this statement: Life is... way too short. Use it wisely.
Favorite Tech device(s): Blackberry.
What do you wish Technology could do? Beam us places.
If you could fix one problem in the world, what would it be? Car problems.
Where can people find you online? and, among others.
Any final words? I want Pepperoni on my Tombstone.

Editor's final, final word: You can also hear Nat on KDAR fm ( ). If you follow her on Twitter, she'll tweet when she's on, and give you a chance to help her choose some of the music she plays on air.