Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Difference between Men and Women #4 - Gas (not for your car)

Gas (Latin for Farting)

Everybody "passes gas," but women and men treat this act very differently. Get your gas mask on, we are goin' in.

To guys, farting is a badge of accomplishment (like the foursquare app, only stinkier). When the butt trumpet let's out the toot, there is a moment of judging the sound, like the Olympics, then the guys scatter like (insert newest scandal-ridden politician here, like; Dem. Eric Massa for example) supporters.

The gaseous competition extends to the public restroom. If a guy in the next stall, and let's a butt burp out. The rest of the guys think, "I can beat that," and then the strain for the "King of the Fart" award commences. I've won a few times, but my wife won't let me display the award. Heh, women. ;)

Guy farts can almost be symphonic (Possibly women's, too, but I have no proof of such things). There are times I've heard sonic stink sounds in the men's bathroom that would rival those composed by John Williams. I heard a fart that resembled the the Last Battle theme from Star Wars one time. I actually clapped for the guy, and he quietly thanked me and told me what he had for lunch. See, farts can bring people together, I tell you.

There have been tales of guys lighting their farts on fire, and yes there are videos showing this strange ritual. It is incredible to think that God created men with the ability to become a natural flamethrower if they need to protect themselves in a college dorm. Ain't the human body somethin'.

Women and gas. Ah, what a subject. Women have tried throughout the centuries, to make men believe that they do not pass gas (especially during the early dating period of time). I guess this is why they go to the restroom so much, to do what they claim they do not do. I imagine the women's restroom at a restaurant normally frequented by dating couples is a roar of fart sounds like has never been heard before. I can only guess. Any ladies like to confirm? :crickets: Guess not.

However, we men know the truth. Women, in fact do pass gas (even though they scold men for the act). The reason, we do hear it. Yep, its like seeing a unicorn, an honest lawyer, or a Playboy centerfold attorney. There comes a time in a relationship when the women let it slip, and join the "Fart club," that men have been a part of for so long.

To a guy, it actually is a touching thing to realize that a woman thinks so much of him, that they share something more personal than a PIN number, a fart. Scoff if you want, but a fart can be a bonding thing to a relationship. Women, not so much, but to a guy, it may make him tear up (especially if she ate mexican food).

Here's a fun scenario;

Get a room full of men and women centered around a card game, like Bunko for example, and have the game time last for hours, and see how long the women last without "letting one out". See, women are competitive, especially playing a game against their husband/boyfriend, etc, so it would be tough for them to leave. Wow, that would something. Wait, it happened to me. True story.

It was a church bunko night, and the whole church was there on a chilly evening, and they served - wait for it - chili. Un huh, chili. The couple teams played against everyone else, and the most winning teams played each other to be bunko champion for prizes. To bad it wasn't a quiet room, but then women might do the old "cough to cover the fart" trick. Women filed out every once in awhile to visit the restroom, but the funniest was the men. Some guys smoked, but I also saw guys going outside without cigarettes, too. I guess they were verifying where the big and little dipper were that night. I don't smoke, but I would have been leery of using a lighter in the guy "smoking and gas area," because of possible explosive situations.

I hear that married couples high five each other during certain gas passing episodes, but I have no firm knowledge of such things. I have received anonymous notes referring to blaming farts on babies, small children, older humans, dogs, etc. These people apologized, but said they would do it again, if they had to. Anyone care to comment on any of this?

Life stinks, you run out of the room, and then you high five each other after you spray, I guess.

Just in case you need candles to cover up a smell or two, check this cool site out:

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Jeff Roney
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barry said...

I think farts are funny under the right circumstances, but I have yet to convince my wife of this. My wife doesn't try to fart, but they "accidentally" slip by once in a while and she would be more embarrassed than anything else. She gets on my case because she claims that I "force" the farts out. Maybe I have a tight sphincter or something, but I do tend to give them a little push, but it's only because they wouldn't slip out on their own without a little help. The other night, however; I was blown away by the horrible smell of my wife's! It was like a dark, green cloud of stench that hung over the bed and I kid you not, I almost had to leave the room because it wouldn't go away. It reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where a valet left a horrible odor (BO) in his BMW, and the stench stuck to everything, including Elaine's hair, and Jerry had to eventually try and sell his car, but even the dealer wouldn't take it in. I think farts are funny, my wife doesn't, and after trying to convince her of this for years now, I don't think I'll win this discussion.

Pat Tillett said...

Too darn funny!!
I'm left with image (and sounds) of the "Battle Shits" bit from "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle."

Anonymous said...

My first thought was "yeah, I farted. Jealous?!" You know, from that Saturday Night Live sketch?? It was hilarious, to say the least. Anyway, just wanted to confirm that in my world, men and their farts are inseparable. I mean, you-know-who has had such obnoxiously obtrusive gas that is has LITERALLY woken me up from sleep. Yes, LITERALLY!! His response?? Laughter. Whatever. You dudes are just flat out gross. ;-) Love you anyway.

Jen Avila said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
leandar said...

Jeff, it ain't just guys. I know a few gals that will burp and fart right along with us guys. They may be few and far between, but they are there, believe me.

Tgoette said...

Is it wrong or immature for a grown man to laugh at farts? If so, then count me as immature. Farts are just funny, whether it's "Blazing Saddles" or "Dumb and Dumber," they just put a smile on people's faces. Unless of course you are in a car with the farter and the smell is really rank. No, not that funny! Great post Jeff! I look forward to reading more funny stuff as your latest follower.

Aha! It's The Obnoxious SAHM said...

okay ... as a CHICK regarding the gas subject... we don't fart in the bathroom. if you do end up farting in the bathroom while in 'progress' in the relief session, it is an utter #FAIL. just for the know. In fact Jeff, I remember in my old office, the CEO went into the next stall and I heard a sound that I never EVER thought I would hear..."insert your imaginative sound" I thought .... "omg she farts.... she REALLY Farts."
We don't break out into scores of John Williams as you mentioned. Although the high fives and chuckles in marriage couples do bring pure intimacy this is what I have heard. (smirks)

Farmers Wife said...

What are you talking about, of course it wasn't was the baby. And next time it will be the dog.

Frugal Vicki said...

Okay, I will admit that when I was in the first stages of dating, I never seemed to fart. Now, however, I am loud and proud in the house....beating out the hubby in loudness and length (though not in smell....good gracious his egg farts will kill).

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

Hello. I came over from "The Obnoxious SAHM"

I am woman and I fart. My 8 yr old son and I often have "competitions".

After dating my guy for 6 months, I realized I had never NEVER heard (or smelled) him fart. I had to encourage him that it was OK. I told him "If you can't blast one off in front of me, our relationship is doomed, as I cannot be deemed 'the gross one'".

It was a close call for a while, but(t) he is definitely 'the gross one' now. But I come in at a close second!!

I love bathroom humor :P

5thsister said...

you know...being a woman and all, I really shouldn't be laughing...but I am.

With that said, all I can say is thank goodness the family is asleep when I get up in the mornings...

toots happen...just sayin'

Salt said...

I have three younger brothers and am all too well aware of how funny farts can be.

But of course I don't do it. You know, because I'm a lady.


Kathy said...

This was really funny and true!

Farting is actually healthy, you know. After I had surgery, they wouldn't let me go home until I passed some gas. But I was too embarrassed to do it in front of people!

My husband told me to just let it rip, so I did. After all, I wanted to go home!

Brea said...

Oh My,

This post was totally hilarious and SOO true!

However... I cannot confirm or deny whether I may or may not have farted whilst laughing at it...

I'm just sayin'.

Cate P said...

I am woman, hear me fart. Seriously.
In our family I win the awards for Tonal Quality, Duration, Frequency, and the overall Master Blaster. My husband wins for Aroma and Inappropriate Moments. My son gets the Is That What You Call a Fart? gong, and my daughter Most Promising Newcomer.