Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Waterpark

I live in Orange County, CA. You would think that it is 72 everyday of the year, but that is not true. We hit 100 plus a few days more than I'd like (1 is too much, in my opinion), and so you need to get creative to cool off.

My thrifty self would put both feet in ice water and turn on a fan, but my wife had a better idea, "Let's go to the Water Park!" Kinda made sense. No pool clean up for little ol' me, maybe a bikini or two. Sold. Let's go!

We stepped out, and I heard angels singing (Angels that also clean the pools in the waterpark, of course). A whole park filled with watery delights - all for me (and a few other thousand people). I stepped in this magical place, and looked for some chairs for my wife and I to set our stuff.

This is not easy.

You almost have to be a psychic to know that anything that touches a chair means that it is saved for someone. It was like I was choosing the right chalice in the movie, "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Which wasn't the last crusade after all, was it? Just sayin'). I summoned all my powers, and we choose 2 lawn chairs underneath an umbrella. Now, that umbrella just happened to be about 10 miles from the water areas I would be interested in (Funny how that worked, huh?), but hey I could use a little exercise, so off we went.

To get to the "Lazy River," I had to walk past the kids play area with a million variations of water spewing, spittering and shooting out in all different directions. I think I saw one kids point at me, as if to say, "Let's get the big guy". Then, a little kid snuck over to a water flow adjuster, so as I walked by the mist became a gusher pointed at me. I was soaked, and the kids high-fived each other. Another large adult annoyed by the younger generation. My inner curmudgeon made an invisible gesture at them, and I walked on to the lazy river.

As I waded into the Lazy River, I put aside the worries of the biological happenings in the water if the kids don't want to get out and go to the restroom, and went with the flow. I grabbed an inner tube and thought about my options;

Hop on top if it and have my feet sticking out backwards (in people's faces at multiple times of the day),
Sit on top of the tube, and have the tyrannosaurus effect of my trying to control the speed and directions with my hand, or
Throw caution to the wind and poke myself through the middle and use it as a large floatee.

I chose the latter.

Floating down the river, you see things - horrible things. Now, I'm not a skinny dude, but I have respect for other people's eyes, so I wear a shirt the whole time.  Other men did not.

At certain parts of the park I swear I saw men that the special effects guys from the Twilight Saga used for comparison work for the wolves' hair. Other guys reminded me of a tarantula. I wanted to ask them if I could shave in my web address in their back. I'll bet you that would get me thousands of hits from people reading mu url on the backs of "wolfy," or "spidey" alone.

One of the scariest moments was when the Lazy River turned into Thug River. I saw a man with the tatoo that read, "Splash me, and I Kill." He and his posse floating by me on lime green tubes with non-legal squirt guns, just glaring at everyone. A kid almost splashed the posse, but I jumped over and took the splash for the posse (yo). One of the posse members saw my move, nodded at me approvingly and handed me a counterfeit free Water Park pass for next time.

We met up with the family at the Water Park one time, and someone said, "Let's go on (a fast water slide ride thing not meant for big guys)", so I took leave of my senses and went on it. Gravity is a great law, but when a big guy like me uses it in a water slide it becomes the law of survival. I almost slipped over the wall into lane 2. Come to think of it, Heidi Spencer was coming down in lane 2 - she would've never felt a thing.

So that was my day at the waterpark. What was yours like?


Daisygirl said...

actually sounds like a fabulous time! Love your descriptions!!!

Marlene said...

I could stand to float down the river a tube, of course....cuz I swim like a rock.

Maggie said...

See, you're meant to sit on the tube and pretend you're floating through space. Surely I can't be the only one who does that. Can I?

I love the way you describe this.....although I'm a bit scared of the thugs!

Kat said...

The last time I went down a waterslide (this past summer), I realized that there is an age at which you should not do such things and I have passed that age. Plus I stubbed my toe and that really put a dent in my attitude.

Connie Moreno said...

I should have known better than to read this story while I had a headache. Why? Because I laughed so hard that now my headache is worse. Oh well...let's just hope that I don't have nightmares about hairy backs with your URL shaved into them, LOL.

iscifi dot tv said...

wow the picture on this post is the typical water park male visitor. Not saying anything wrong, other than it's time to go walking and drop some of our tonnage :) ha ha.