Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Bike Path

See, I'm a chubbly dumb guy. Well, less chubbly now. I went on a diet and started a fitness routine. My wife and I bought bikes a few years back, and I said, "We had better ride these bikes," and you guessed it, we did for awhile then not for a long time.

These days we are more riding than not. So, we have our long route, and it's - wait for it - long. You may be tuning out on the post, but hang on it will get funnier.

Bikes, cars and walkers have a strange relationship when it comes to streets and sidewalks. Oh, I know I'm supposed to ride on the street, but if 'lil Paris Hilton is updating her relationship from "It's Complicated," to "It's Very Complicated, Like Week One in the Hot Tub on The Real World Complicated," and then she clips me into the ice plant. The only plus would be that I would feel less bad for the Emergency crew when they lifted me into the ambulance. I would mumble to the EMT guys, "Hey, I weigh less now than I did 2 months ago".

So, I'm a good bike rider, following all the laws. I even wear the stupid helmet. Every once in awhile, I have a moment like the guy did in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," when he lifted his head at the girl, as if to say, "Hey there," but forgot he was wearing the goofy pirate uniform from work. It's happened to me, but switch the goofy pirate uniform with the goofy bike helmet. I know a woman ticked off at her husband for eye-flirting with female joggers passed that helmet law, I just know it.

So, part of our bike ride is down through a fairly big park. Parks are nice, but they have one thing that we "bicycling for health" people don't need - obstructions on the bike path.

Now, listen I get that any exercise is a pain in the patoot, and when you are out there sweating and exercising, you tune out because your body want to chillax more than exercise, but wow people on the bike path REALLY tune out. No offense to hearing impaired people, but when my wife rings the bell, that means, "Watch out, the Roney's are coming. Jeff is a quiet grump, but he is still very grumpy. Get out of his way," in every language. I swear, people in front of us create a mini "Hand Across America" march across the whole bike path. Sure, I wish I could fly, but I can't. I'm stuck here on a bike, on a bike path with a family of 5 holding hands walking on the bike path in front of me. So, I ride around and hit every piece of dog dookie there is in the dirt and go around them.

Let's talk about the speed in which the people at said bike path at the park we ride in walk, shall we?

Fast - Jeff speed. When I walk, I walk with purpose and driven direction. I want to get where I am going very quickly. I walk like Angelina Jolie is giving out free hugs, Jennifer Anniston is first in line, and she is holding a spot for me. I walk fast.

Medium - This is fairly normal. People are getting the walking done. I applaud them for stopping Farmville for awhile, going outside and walking. I'm cool with medium.

Slow - I know older folks can't walk Jeff speed, so I will cut them a break. They have lived a long life, and they want to keep it going, so I give them a pass on walking slow.

Painfully slow, meandering with no clue or no sense of direction (Really, really slow) - Oh, my god. I get these people in front of me all the time. They are walking like tourists in New York. Walking slowly, going nowhere really, talking on a cellphone or better yet - smoking while doing all the above. At some point, Painfully slow walkers really need to go home and start over. I get that chubbly people like me don't enjoy walking, but move over to the side - don't bring your friend along and block the whole path, walking slower than slower and talking the whole time. I want to write them a slower than slow walking ticket and banish them to a park bench till Colleen and I are done. Oh, and we get kids in front of us, too. Oh wow, do we get kids in front of us. Some kids follow the bell rule, and those kids are awesome, but then there are other kids. The kids who can't walk good, or ride skate boards real good. Wow.

Dogs. Now, I'm a dog person, but I see more and more dogs without leashes on the bike path. They are with they're owners, but without a leash on. I saw one guy riding a bike with his dachshund running alongside - without a leash. If I was that doxie, I would have ran alongside the master's bike awhile, then make a break for it - to Jeff Roney's house. :)

I know I've been mean and diva-ish about the whole bike path people blocking thing, but truth is I'm glad more people are out walking (Yes, even if its reeeeal slow in front of me), but sometimes I wish I carried a cattle prod with me on my bike rides. Sometimes, but not all the time.

Just pray for me.

If you don't believe in prayer and you hear the bike bell, just get out of the way.


Daisygirl said...

hahahaha......oh I am rolling!!! Love your speed explanations! I work with a purpose too! A cattle prod may just be what you need or just run them the hell over!!!

Pat Tillett said...

It's called a "bike" path not a pedestrian path!. We've been riding bikes for years and have had some close calls with walkers and autos. Isn't it amazing that people on bikes seem to pretty much stay out of each other's way? "On yer left" or "on yer right!" seems to be all we need. If you say that to a walker, the numbies just turn around and look at you...

great and funny post!