Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Food and Eating

I'm fairly certain that if the earth was only inhabited by Men, they would die out. I didn't say starve to death. There would be plenty of food, but it all would be a greasy, meaty, and microwavable fast tracks to a cardiac arrest. With no women around, Men would eat their way into wearing huge kilts and Food To Go places would make all the money and rule the world.

When I was single, I was on Pizza Hut's weekly route. They dropped off a large Meat Lovers once a week, and billed me. I was the "Pizza Hut's Dude of the Year". I got an award, free double meat upgrades, and went to the Pizza Hut Christmas party, twice. It was a big deal.

Women are food gurus. Not only do they know the myriad of places to go to eat, but they learn all about the foods themselves.

Here's something to try, ask a Woman where to eat Thai food, they will almost immediately come back with 5 places they have been, or heard about from their friends. If you ask a guy where a good Thai restaurant is, they will think you asked about a "Tie Restaurant," and wonder what the thing that strangles their neck at formal events and food have in common. "Do you boil and eat Ties there?" they'll ask themselves, "Can I dip the boiled Ties in Ranch dressing?" and "Will it be cheaper if I order a Bow Tie and bring my own Ranch Dressing?"

Men would never know terms like;
Carmalized (unless your talking about apples),
and more without the knowledge sharing of Women.

Women know 10 types if lettuce, which fork is used for which course, and can calculate a tip in 2 seconds.

Men are act oriented. I am hungry, I need to eat. Women are much more graceful and layered creatures. Eating isn't an act, it is a event that is planned for, enjoyed, and unfolds like a Broadway play.

Men will shove food into their mouth, dribble sauces on their face and clothes, and make the once pristine table look like the aftermath of a food and drink tornado. Woman are far more elegant in their eating. It's almost as if they are watching themselves eat via webcam, and sending the video to their brains of what they look like. They use utensils like a surgeon, and make eating spaghetti look like a work of art. Women actually use a napkin, whereas men actually don't know what to do with that funny folded fabric square on the table. Men will wipe something away they feel on the side of their mouth with a finger or back of their hand when the woman is looking away, or use "Nature's Go Everywhere Dribble Wiper," the sleeve.

The truth is, Men rarely look into a mirror at all. Women carry a mirror with them at all times (Note the importance, Men), Men carry never used gum, 1,000 keys to stuff they rarely open, and a few Subway, "Buy 10, Get One Free" Cards. Unless Women told us we have a crumb or dribble on our face, Men's faces would be a talking stain collection, until they take their next shower.


Daisygirl said...

Ya boys/men are messy eaters! Seriously though there are 10 types of lettuce???

As for men dying if there were NO women around, I concur!

RA said...

Well, to be more exact, if there were no women around the men would not be born in the first place. And hence there would be nobody around, and all the good fast food and beer would be wasted. Sad really. :D

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Not going to tell you how much pizza I could consume at one sitting back in college!

While I am guilty of eating whatever is in front of me (and all of it, of course) I do know the location of the best Thai restaurant in town. Okay, it also happens to be the ONLY Thai restaurant.

Coffee Slut said...

Exactly! That's why I rarely go out to eat with my husband! said...

what is this shower you speak of?

Marlene said...

I tend to eat like a man most's much more fun that way.

Pat Tillett said...

"Did you even taste any of that?"
is a question I've heard on many occasions... I'm already looking for the desert menu and my second drink before my wife is halfway through eating...She wants to talk and eat. So she talks, I pretty much just grunt my agreement with everything she says while I chew.
Hell, we can talk at home...