Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Difference between Men and Women #115 - Bringing a Baby to Work

Bringing a baby to work

The workplace is home to many things; The office fish microwaver, the phantom farter, and much more, but the one thing that strikes fear in the hearts of most men, is a new Mom bringing her baby to work.

Babies are cute. There, I said it.

Men have three main fears; Standing up in front of people with their fly down, evil clowns and breaking a newborn baby.

I would imagine, even a new Father goes through a whole list of worrisome scenarios surrounding the holding of a new born. Women constantly will tell you, "You can hold him/her. You can't break him/her." See men don't feel the same way. Men would rather walk on hot coals, broken glass, or hot broken glass than hold a newborn. If, and I mean if a man is talked into it, he becomes a multiple anxiety attack on two legs. "Cradle the head, Cradle the head," he keeps thinking, then he starts looking for the next holder to pass the baby off to. When the handoff is complete, the ex-holder goes around the corner and faints.

If a man lingers far enough away from the "hold and pass" group, he now is faced with the second most anxiety filled set of decisions, What to say.

To parents, a child is a blessing they are entrusted to care for. They realize that there will be mistakes along the way, and their child will; challenge authority, get the tatoo they were forbidden to get, and more, but if someone, anyone says something Ill, wrong or negative about their child - it's World War 3.

Men are Dumb, and we certainly don't have the grace and diplomacy of speech when talking to a Mother about their newborn. Men say dumb things all the time, and now is not the time for a man to speak "man". So, the Mother swings the baby around for him to view and comment, and now a man's mind goes into overdrive. He begins to think, "What should I say? I want to say, 'Hey look, it's a baby,' but for some reason, that doesn't seem right." The man goes back in his mind to the one time he watched, Three Men and a Baby for inspiration, and there is none for him. 

In a flash of genius (which is rare), he thinks to himself that he should take a page from the female playbook. He clears his throat, and steps onto the thin ice of the situation, "That baby is so cute," the females in the group smile and beam in approval. The commenting man feels a bit cocky, and adds one more comment, "he looks just like his Mom," and the smiling female crowd lets out a collective "Awww." 

The guy smiles back, because not only did he say the right thing in front of a group of females, but he also pulled off a veiled flirtatious move on the Mom, and didn't get in trouble for that. He now goes around the corner and faints with the ex-holder.

Women are far better suited for this event. They know how to hold a baby, to ask the right questions, and to say the right things. It is a bonding moment for Mother, new baby, and the office friends. Keep in mind, the office heard the great news of conception, saw the ultrasounds, talked to the nervous Mom through the trimesters, and now they share in the new chapters of this little life. The men are happy for the new Mother, too, as they hide in their cubes rehearsing the right thing to say when the Mother and baby walk by. Guys, say whatever the women say, or say you have Laryngitis.

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Jeff Roney
Writer, Blogger, Comedian, Dumb Guy

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RA said...

Well, Jeff, my friend. I'm not sure all women are that up to holding a baby. I personally don't see newborn babies a cute, or mostly I don't. I am not interested in how much they weighed when born, or how they sleep at night. And I, as a woman, am often treated as an idiot by other women. Just because I don't love new born babies, and don't want to have babies myself. So where is the justice?

Jen Avila said...

It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode. Remember that one? You know, "you gotta see the baby..." and it was all ugly and they were horrified but pretended they thought it was beautiful?? Remember?? Anyway, that is why Dave has a stock answer for those new baby situations, which is, "yep. it's a baby." Seems appropriate enough.

nan said...

Ugly babies are called "Hi Babies" in my world. If you can't look at a baby and say "Look how cute!", you look at it and say "Hi Baby!".

BTW RA, I don't want any of my own, but I love holding new borns. Once they grow up and start talking (especially back-talking), I lose interest.

Cate P said...

Brilliant, I lost it at the 3 main fears and could barely read the rest as I was shaking with laughter. And all so true :)

Diana - Teacher Mom said...

A very amusing post! See... you're not so dumb after all!

Farmers Wife said...

Yeah what's with that, men are so afraid of holding a baby. But they can carry and nurse a beer if their life depended on it...


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God Bless You, Ron

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Great post Jeff! Glad I stopped by today to see what you have been writing about.
U always lift my spirits and make me laugh