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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Story - The Book Which Has No Name #fb

The Tale of The Book Which Has No Name

With much fear and trepidation do I relay what I'm about to relay. There have been many books throughout time that have given guidance  and help to people, but one book in particular has existed in secrecy, until now.

This book includes vital information collected throughout history, it could have settled disputes, wars and uprisings, but it has never been revealed, until now.
The book is only know by this title, "The Book Which has No Name," or TBWHNN, but only the brave will even speak it. I might as well tell you more about this book, because there is no way for me to take back what I have revealed now.

The book includes secrets, rules and lists that women have collected throughout history to keep the universe working in proper order. It is said that women like; Eve, Esther, Cleopatra, Florence Nightingale, Betsy Ross, Flo from the TV show "Alice," and many other women who have not been "famous," but have added to this important book which has no name.

It is said that Eve got so fed up with Adam's misguided notions in the Garden of Eden (like eating without a "face wiping leaf"), that she began to compile ways in which to live a better, stylized, organized, cleaner life. Eve was the first female ever to tell a male to leave the leaf down on  the earliest version of the latrine, or there would be serious repercussions. She also set out a "tushie thunder spot" far from the camp. When Eve started TBWHNN, she would scrawl notes on leaves and flat stones, and pass them down from generation to generation, as the information grew.

As time moved forward, lists of what was gross, fun, and stupid began. Rules of etiquette in eating and dress began to take shape. The issue of transporting the collection of flat rocks, leaves, papyrus, and many other forms of capturing the information became critical. A "book" had to be created.





The cache of information was transported to a single remote location not found on any map, and one woman was chosen to compile it all into one volume. Calligraphy was created especially for the project, and there was much joy amongst the females upon the completion of TBWHNN.

Women would use times of communal gatherings, like; Births, Sewing/Knitting Bees, Restroom groups, etc, to vote on new information that was to be added in TBWHNN. However, in the Middle Ages, the men began to get suspicious and hatched a dangerous plan to retrieve TBWHNN.

An anonymous King heard of TBWHNN, and chose a brave warrior, Brad the Brave to discover the location of TBWHNN. Male spies located the woman that was to take new material to the magical place where TBWHNN resided, and Brad the Brave followed.

Brad tracked the woman on a 40 day trek through dark woods, across wide oceans, crossing hot deserts and climbing dangerous snow covered mountains. Brad's body was battered and bruised, tired, hungry and
sick, but he pulled himself up the last cliff to see the woman enter the magical cave. He knew it was the magical cave, because it had curtains.

Brad waited until she made the trek back to civilization, and he crept toward the cave which held the secrets better than any secret that Dan Brown could stretch the truth to make up. He pulled the curtain back and entered. It was empty, smelled of pine, and was impeccably clean.

Had he made the trip for nothing? Was this the right cave? or Maybe he was - tricked?

She walked in the entrance of the cave, behind him, "Thou are Brad, aren't thou?"

Brad spun around, and realized the danger he was in.

"Thou hast made a grave error by coming hither," the woman said.

"I was lost, m'lady," Brad responded.

"Doest though think I shall fall for that?"

"I am but a low-minded male. I know not where I am." Brad tried to explain.

"Thou art a misguided fool, that is for sure. However, I must tell thee, what thou seekest is not here," she explained.

"Yes, thou speakest the truth. This cave is much cleaner than my hovel. I wish to rest a spell, before I make
the long trek back,"

"Might I make thee some tea, then? For thou trek home?"

"Surely"

She ran up to him and pushed him to the wall, "How doest though know my name?"

At that moment, Brad spied a portion of a pink ribbon poking out of a compartment on the cave floor. She pressed harder on his chest, gritting her teeth, and Brad looked out the cave door, and exclaimed,
"What a fair sunset, m'lady" "Really?" Shirley turned to see.

Brad broke free of her grasp, lifted up the stone covering TBWHNN, grabbed the book, and ran out of the cave as fast as he could.

Shirley ran to the cave door and saw him rolling headlong down the side of the hill clutching the book as best as he could. She let out a very lady-like curse word, then yelled, "Thou wilt never learn our secrets! Tis written in a magical language! Bring it back, infidel! Thy tea is almost ready!"

Brad stood up, when he stopped rolling, and responded to Shirley, "I shall not return unto thee. Men shall finally know thy secrets to the universe and how to handle a fork with skill!"

Shirley exclaimed another lady-like curse word and stamped her feet on the cave floor. When she regained her composure, she walked to another secret compartment, and retrieved a special animal horn, and walked to the edge of the cliff and sounded the alarm.

Brad heard the sound, and his eyes grew wide with fear, causing him to run much faster now.

Abominable Snow Women heard the alarm, and mobilized to find the man who had stolen TBWHNN. They sniffed in the air, and once they caught his scent (which wasn't that difficult, obviously), they converged upon him.

Brad heard the beasts drawing closer, and he tried to stay ahead of them. He was breathing heavily, his side ached, and he had to use the tree latrine, but he knew he would not survive if he did. He let out a few bottom burps, and that knocked a few
Abominable Snow Women unconscious. The rest held their noses and continued the chase. Brad ran up to a high cliff, and stopped, only to hear the breathing of three Abominable Snow Women behind him, her turned and tried to plead with them, but he didn't speak the language of Abominable Snow Women. They surrounded him, and crept closer to him, and he inched closer to the cliff edge.

He stepped halfway on the edge and one of the female creatures grabbed TBWHNN, and it tore in half as Brad fell backwards  clutching the other portion of it.

Brad made it back to the anonymous King, after he was attacked by Amazon warriors, Hawks, Bears, rabid rabbits and a crazy Sorceress that cast a spell on him giving him a much smaller bladder. He crawled into the castle, breathing heavily and pushing a portion of TBWHNN to the King, then Brad died.

The females tried to recreate the portion that had been stolen, but knew that TBWHNN must be moved to different hiding places to keep it safe through the ages. Some noteworthy places it has been hidden throughout
history;
Amelia Earheart's plane during her famous flight,

The Titanic, but smuggled off in the final moments,

Rotated between the top portion of the Eiffel Tower, anonymous room in a Sphinx in Giza, and the Torch of the Statue of Liberty, 

A random purchaser of the Fingerhut catalog, 

A large headress Cher wore in the 70's,

Jane Austen's Hope Chest,

Gloria Allred's coffee table,

the original film canister for Gigli,

and other places.

As time went on, the written book was transferred onto digital formats. Females began to create fake versions and distributing them around as well, so it became very difficult to know which was real and which was a false version. I shudder to tell you this, but we feel that we have procured a copy of the real version, and I will be translating it here for you...

Oh no. I hear a knock on the door. They couldn't have found me! I must go. TBWHNN is real! It exists. It...

The rest of the post removed...

End of Post.

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Jeff Roney
Writer, Blogger, Comedian, Dumb Guy

RoneyZone Productions - Awesome creations you haven't heard of, til now.
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4 comments:

Vic said...

Wow! That is some book! Holy Moly! I think I just read the size of the Bible in one post! BTW, your comment, follow , tell a friend thing is not working at the end of the post~in case you care to know!

Men Are Dumb. I Are One. said...

Hi Vic, I removed the bad link. Yup, this post was longer than most, but I still can't get the read more link to work. Thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting on the Blog. I appreciate it. Great stuff is coming. :)

covnitkepr1 said...

You are so right...Men are dumb...and I are one to.lol Thanks for sharing.
I'm your newest follower and I invite you to look over my blog and perhaps become one also.

French Skinny said...

I hid that book in a pile of laundry for a year.