Sunday, May 16, 2010

Dumb Men Review Chick Flicks - Titanic

Titanic (1997)

So, I knew the guy behind Terminator and Aliens was directing this movie, but there were no androids or aliens to be found in this one. The movie starts out about a snooty girl going on a cruise. I know, exciting huh. She is supposed to marry this jerk who is friends with the guy who was the bad guy in Tron, btw. Then, snooty girl meets an artist guy who is pretty good at cards. They are still on the cruise, btw. Well, snooty girl and the artist guy fall in love, but then the coolest scene happened in the whole movie. See, he was going to draw her. So what, I thought, but then snooty girl took her clothes off, and he drew her.

This movie was finally getting good. She had on some necklace, but I can't remember what color it was now. Then, the guy who was in Tron started to snoop around, and the jerk found out about snooty girl and he got really mad.

The Tron guy started chasing them, and the artist guy and the snooty girl ended up hiding in a car. So, what happens when you get in the backseat of a car with a gal you just drew in the nude? Play checkers? Nope. They get busy. You know, busy. I don't think he was drawing again, but you guessed it, she got naked again. Around that time, the ship hit an iceberg.

The ship started to take on water. There was lots of chasing buy the Tron guy and the jerk. The ship broke in half, started to sink, and a guy fell down and hit the ship propeller. The snooty girl could have got away safely in a lifeboat, but she wanted to stay on the sinking ship with the artist guy. The boat sank, the snooty girl survived (she said the word Jack a lot of times, too), but the artist guy... I won't spoil it for the 2 people who haven't seen it yet.

For the sinking ship and the "art" scene, I give it 4 out of 5 No. 2 pencils.

All in all, not too bad. Well, I'm off to take an art class, and take a cruise. See ya.

Reviewer: Bert.


MissV said...

I might get kicked out of the women's club for this, but I wasn't a big fan of Titanic. The whole running through rising water against insurmountable odds had me hollering at the screen. Puuuhhh-lease.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Be sure you take a naked snotty girl on your trip. Or just a naked girl. Snottiness optional.

And overall, I actually liked this film better than anticipated. I blame Cameron. And snotty naked girl.

RAY J said...

lol, awesome review! Do more of these! =D

UnicycleRose said...

I loved the Titanic!!! Always wonderful to hear a mans point of view! said...

Gee, Bert, that's a good review, Bert.

Connie Moreno said...

OMG, that was too funny!

McVal said...

I wasn't too big a fan... I cried a lot because *spoiler* I knew what was going to happen... The ships going to sink and a bunch of people will die.
I didn't know too much of history when I saw Braveheart and was very disappointed in the ending. I told my husband about it and he said DUH! It's Wallace! ?? Apparently historically somewhat accurate... who knew? Not me! But I did know about the titanic... Just not about the snooty and artsy fornicators... Good review!

Geof said...

Haha...This is how you do a review of a chick when you are a dude. And I love the references to the Tron guy (Warner). That alone gets you extar points on your Man-Card. Well done!