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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Difference between Men and Women - Breaking Up

Breaking Up

Breaking up is never fun (Especially divorce, which is not fun times infinity). Whether you're the Break-er or the Break-ee. Being involved in a Break-up just sucks, but Women and Men treat the situation very differently.

Women in my opinion, are more plan oriented. I'm sure the Tower of Pisa would never be leaning, if a group of women had planned its construction.

It is interesting to note that woman discuss a "getting together" with a guy, and the "breaking up" with a guy as a communal experience with other ladies.

Women discuss each other's relationships like the stock market; good things (This rarely happens, btw) - the guy's stock goes up, bad things (This is the usual) - the guy's stock goes down. If his stock goes down low enough, the United Nations of her friends are called together to discuss "what to do".

The gathering takes places anywhere;

Someone's house,
a Bistro (Women loooove Bistros), or because its 2010
an online variation of the above.

Let's recreate it shall we? Hanna is the female that has called the meeting...

(You will now read the conversations from that meeting)

Hanna "The meeting to discuss the Breakup of Ryan, the jerk I've dated for 10 wasted months..."

Charity, a religious friend responds "Amen"

Hanna "... thank you Charity. You'd better pray for him. He's gonna need it. Anyway, the meeting will now begin. Roll call; My sister?"

"Here"

Hanna "My best friend"

"Who's that?" Asked five females at the same time.

Hanna "Right. My bad. (uncomfortable pause) You're all my best friends"

"Really? That's not what you said in Cancun." One responded.

"Uh Huh. I'm not even in your top ten Facebook." Another responded

"She's right. We could go home and watch Glee on DVR," Still another, responded

Hanna "Well, you more than watched Ryan, when I was in the Dallas for business"

"Touche. My Bad"

"My Bad, too"

"Me, too"

Hanna "Best friends, huh? Awesome. Okay, let's get into in it. Ryan was spotted at Disneyland with Inga, the Swedish lingerie model. Who took that picture?"

"Natalie did"

Hanna "Why isn't Natalie here?"

"She had to work at Macho Taco tonight"

Hanna "Somebody call her and get her on speaker,"

"I'm on it. Dialing. Hey Nat, we're planning Hanna's break up with Ryan. I'm putting you on speaker"

Hanna "Nat?"

"Hey Hanna honey"

Hanna "Do you have the picture of Ryan and Inga together?"

"Yup"

Hanna "Post it to your Facebook page, so we all can see it"

"Will do. :typing: Posted"

Hanna "Okay, everybody take a look. Let's all take a vote. Does everyone agree that this is in fact Ryan and Inga? Hands up for yes"

"I love that dress she's wearing"

Hanna "Hey, we're voting."

"Sorry"

Hanna "Okay, that's everyone but you in the back. You're my Starbuck's barista girl, right?"

"Yes, that's me"

Hanna "Uh, something wrong with your arm?"

"I don't have a good cell signal in here. Sorry."

Hanna "Get a better service plan and raise your hand, okay?"

"Sorry"

Hanna "So, it's unanimous. That is Ryan and Inga in the picture. Now Natalie, are you still on the phone?"

"Do you want papas fritas with that?"

Hanna "No"

"What about Super Flan?"

Hanna "No. Listen Nat honey, take a break. We need you, right now"

"The drive up window is real busy right now"

Hanna "Don't care."

"I'll see what I can do. Oh, hi Ryan!"

Hanna "What did you say?"

"Uh, I said 'they're fryin'"

Hanna "That's not what you said"

"Uh, it's really hard to hear you right now. Lots of static. That shirt looks looks great on you, Ryan. Who am I talking to? Telemarketer."

Hanna "Okay, well it seems that my friends have had more fun with my "boyfriend" than me. Great. Anyway, let's move on, shall we? I'll meet him at Corner Bakery on Friday at 7:00 PM. Who will be there ahead of time to broadcast the whole thing on Ustream?"

"Me"

Hanna "Great. We'll get pass cards with the internet address on it to all the sports teams. We need some groups on a few overpasses with signs of the address on it, too. You gotta wear bathing suits, you know the drill. I want the whole school to watch Ryan go down in flames, live."

A group chimed in "We got it covered"

Hanna "One more thing. Hack his Twitter and Facebook, and start posting some crazy stuff. Okay, the date will start at 7:00 PM sharp with us eating something. At 7:15, I'll do the "Where is this relationship going?" speech. He'll make some lame comment, and I'll start getting loud and creating a scene. That's the cue to email him the photo of him and Inga. I'll hear the vibrate ring when it comes in on his phone, then I'll grab his phone and do the, "What is this?!?" speech. We have dirt on Inga, right?"

"Yep. Lots of pictures of her with braces, bad hair styles and her in an awful Halloween costume for church. One text about putting the pictures on the school website, and she was in with us. I'll text her to be waiting outside the restaurant"

Hanna "Great. When I throw the salt shaker down, that's the cue to send Inga in. I'll freak out really bad, and start my "Am I interrupting your little Swedish fling?" speech. At that point, I need the Ustream person to come up real close, and we got him. He'll probably cry and beg to keep me, which will be great for all his sports team peeps to watch. He'll end up being a towel boy for the next 2 years. So, that's it. Pretty straight forward. After that, we head out for coffee."

"Hey, this is bad."

Hanna "What?"

"I got a Direct Message of a Tweet that a friend of Ryan's followed us, and is here now."

Hanna "That's okay. Use the find local Twitter users tab to find him, and see if he has his location finder on. Who's dating a security guy here?"

"That would be me."

Hanna "You sure date alot of..."

"Don't even start. How can I help you?"

Hanna, "Ok, Have him..."

"Wait, Ryan's spy just ran in the bathroom!"

Hanna "Perfect. No window, and he'll never fit in the air conditioning vent. We just wait him out. Get us some coffees, it'll be a long night."

"I got the spy's name. Matt Simpson. His Mom posted a youtube video of him singing, "I'm a little teacup," when he was 5."

Hanna "Excellent. He won't talk now, or if he does, he'll be trying to get dates at the Ren Faire for the next 5 years. Sigh. Still, Ryan is in month 2 of P90X."

"Hanna!!!"

Hanna "I'm so kidding"

...and scene.

Men are just the opposite when they break up with someone. Men stay off the Social Networking grid for a 24 hours, then hide at an undisclosed location, text the breakup message to the unsuspecting (most times) female, destroys the cellphone, and then hides in an Amish community for the rest of his life. It turns out he misspelled the message when he sent it to her ("I think we should sew other people").

Let's say it together people, "Men are Dumb!" Thanks for reading, following and telling your friends about the blog.

5 comments:

Jennee said...

so true!

Piedmont Writer said...

Funny.

Beth in NC said...

Ha. We do discuss a lot of things. hee hee

Connie Moreno said...

LOL...where do you come up with this stuff? Too funny! Sounds like the beginning of a script for a great chick flick. (Oh and I'm sure glad those chicks aren't my friends! Yeowza!)

Aha! It's The Obnoxious SAHM said...

macho taco... classic.

brilliant as always, Roney. ;) thumbs up.